nakabitin.

gig.
gig.
gig.

harhar.
i love yah,
tagal kong di nakapagpost ng entry.
maya nalang.

A TREASURE: A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT.

I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I have a divine role and purpose. I was blessed by good and loving parents, friends and leaders. I am happy having them. I call them a GIFT, it is more than a present. I grew up in the church. I was once a primary singing the song "I belong to the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, I know who I am. I know Gods Plan, Ill follow him in faith.". Now, ive been existing for almost 15 years. I know his plan for me. Im no longer a primary but i still belong to the true church. Time flies so fast. Im a young woman now. And still, my actions and plans are inclined to my goals especially my eternal goals. I was strengthen by the scripture and was guided by the Holy Ghost. And Im happy seeing myself wearing my own YOUNG WOMEN MEDALLION. It was hard for me to accomplish it but still, I DID. It isnt because of the reward but the values ive learned. I dont have any shadow of Regret. I consider this achievement as an unburied treasure. Down to my future generation the will inherot the spiritual possessions i have started. No more TANTRUMS. No more PUERILe acts. I may not be singing that primary song "I belong to the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints", but instead, "WALK TALL YOURE A DAUGHTER A CHILD OF GOD. BE STRONG PLEASE REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE".

WRITTEN BY:

HANNAH GRACE SORIANO MESDE

(AUGUST 19,2007)

TWO WEEKS AFTER I RECEIVED MY Y.W MEDALLION

balemtayms.

awh,

ill miss this.

ajuju.

words cant define how happy i am.

ahahha..

Nobility.

We will speak of nobility, first as a portion of an estate, then as a condition of particular persons. A monarchy, where there is no nobility at all, is ever a pure and absolute tyranny; as that of the Turks.

For nobility attempers sovereignty, and draws the eyes of the people, somewhat aside from the line royal. But for democracies, they need it not; and they are commonly more quiet, and less subject to sedition, than where there are stirps of nobles. For men's eyes are upon the business, and not upon the persons; or if upon the persons, it is for the business' sake, as fittest, and not for flags and pedigree. We see the Switzers last well, notwithstanding their diversity of religion, and of cantons. For utility is their bond, and not respects. The united provinces of the Low Countries, in their government, excel; for where there is an equality, the consultations are more indifferent, and the payments and tributes, more cheerful. A great and potent nobility, addeth majesty to a monarch, but diminisheth power; and putteth life and spirit into the people, but presseth their fortune. It is well, when nobles are not too great for sovereignty nor for justice; and yet maintained in that height, as the insolency of inferiors may be broken upon them, before it come on too fast upon the majesty of kings. A numerous nobility causeth poverty, and inconvenience in a state; for it is a surcharge of expense; and besides, it being of necessity, that many of the nobility fall, in time, to be weak in fortune, it maketh a kind of disproportion, between honor and means. As for nobility in particular persons; it is a reverend thing, to see an ancient castle or building, not in decay; or to see a fair timber tree, sound and perfect. How much more, to behold an ancient noble family, which has stood against the waves and weathers of time! For new nobility is but the act of power, but ancient nobility is the act of time. Those that are first raised to nobility, are commonly more virtuous, but less innocent, than their descendants; for there is rarely any rising, but by a commixture of good and evil arts. But it is reason, the memory of their virtues remain to their posterity, and their faults die with themselves. Nobility of birth commonly abateth industry; and he that is not industrious, envieth him that is. Besides, noble persons cannot go much higher; and he that standeth at a stay, when others rise, can hardly avoid motions of envy. On the other side, nobility extinguisheth the passive envy from others, towards them; because they are in possession of honor. Certainly, kings that have able men of their nobility, shall find ease in employing them, and a better slide into their business; for people naturally bend to them, as born in some sort to command.

.this is mine. yours?

here they go.

one of the greatest gift i ever had in my Life. though sometimes. i find it hard to be inpeace with them, well. gonna introduce them.

this is my FAMILY
lets start with my DAD.

he is RUBEN JAVIER MESDE. he grew up in a barrio but they really are from nueva ecija. he is a hard-working dad. he was born JULY 7.(oh i forgot what was the year.) He is a great Businessman, a Father, a son, a brother and a friend. I LOVE HIM soooo much,. i am his junior replica.

NEXT.

my MOM.
She is GEMMA SORIANO MESDE. She grew up at Tarlac. shes the youngest child of her parents. She's good in singing.(SUPER) she is also our Home's cook and teacher. took up BACHELOR OF ARTS MAJOR IN ENGLISH at ANGELES UNIVERSITY. She loves to bake cakes and cookies. Just like me. she is pretty.(LOLX)

then,
MY KUYA.

JAYSON SORIANO MESDE, the most valuable basketball player we've ever met. he is our family's second cook. I love my kuya too.

then,
MY ATE.
JAYZIEL SORIANO MESDE. she's a call canter agent. but the truth about her is that she's good in MATH. noone defeats her in MATH. although she's sometimes moody. she has a place in our family.

then,
this is me.
HANNAH GRACE SORIANO MESDE,
but i already mentioned lots of stories about myself so, soon.

then,
my sister,
RUBY GRACE MESDE, she's beautiful, right? she loves to play the piano. she express herself through music and drawing.

after her was,
KIMBERLY SORIANO MESDE., We have that so called "LIKE". i love this kid so much. though sometimes our is kinda on war whenever we have misunderstandings.

here my youngest brother come.
JEROME SORIANO MESDE, But somtimes we got to change his name to maria jerome anne. but that thing is kust a big JOKE. this young boy has its own kind of verastility. just like me.

and last.
NAMIE JHAYE SORIANO MESDE. the yougest among us. this cute gal is so makulet. she has that kinda villain in my life.haha..joke..she's funny and beautiful.


thats my family. they mean more than anything to me. i love them. and i know they love me too. so im proud to a MESDE. how about you?


-hannah grace mesde

just few things boUt me.

that was APRIL 19 1992 then, my parents were both happy having me in thier life. given a name HANNAH GRACE SORIANO MESDE. I GREW UP BEING MY DADS SPOILED BRATT. I LOVE THEM. AND THEY FEEL THE SAME THING. THINGS CHANGED WHEN I BECOME BEING SO REBELLIOUS. BUT THEY STILL ACCEPT ME.

IM JUST A MERE STUDENT FOR ALL MY SCHOOLMATES.
BUT WHO WILL FORGET THE MOST NOTORIOUS CRIMINAL OF THE SCHOOL.
I COME TO SCHOOL LATE.
I ALWAYS MAKE NOISE.
IM ESCAPING FROM MY CLASS WHENEVER I DONT FEEL LIKE LISTENING TO MY OLD-FLAPDOODLE TEACHER.
EVERYBODY DONT DARE TO FORGET MY MAGNIFICENT NAME.
BEING THE MOST CRUEL STUDENT THEY EVER HAVE. THATS THE THING BETWEEN ME AND MY TEACHERS.
BUT DESPITE OF BEING THAT PERSON,
I KNOW THEY DO LOVES ME.,
RIGHT.
PREFERABLY RIGHT.

MY FRIENDS USED TO TELL ME "HANNAH,MAGARAL KA NA NGA KASI" BUT I NEVER DID. I JUST WANT TO ENJOY ALL THINGS IN MY LIFE. WITHOUT NOTICING THAT IM BEING LEFT BEHIND. THOUGH I THEY KNOW THAT IM NOT A DUMB AND A DUNCE PERSON SOME BELIEVE THAT I AM. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY DONT KNOE ME BETTER. IM JUST TRYING TO POINT OUT THAT IM STILL A PRINCESS, lolX. XD.

I AM A MUSICIAN, I PLAY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS ESPECIALL GUITAR. I LOVE TO PLAY EMO-ROCKS MUSIC. SOMETIMES IM BEING TOO EMOTIONAL. IM SINGING MY OWN SONGS., ITS ALL ABOUT THE REAL ME. A HANNAH.

I WRITE STORIES ABOUT MY LIFE. I WRITE STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIFE. I LOVE TO WRITE WHENEVER THINGS DONT GO ON WHAT I WANT THEM TO BE. I WANT TO BE A POET. A WRITER OF MY OWN STORY. I LOVE CALLIOPE,CLIO..AND SO ON. I LOVE HISTORY TOO.. I STILL HAVE WEAKNESSES DEAR, IM NOT A TERPSICORIAN. THATS THE REAL THING ABOUT ME. THEY ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF ME WHENEVER I DANCE,. HAGGARD. BUT DESPITE OF MY WEAKNESSES I WAS ABLE TO GO AND FULFILL MY DREAMS (SOME OF THEM IVE GOT ALREADY) BUT SOME,IM STILL WORKING FOR IT.

I GOT TO BE TRUE. I HATE HATERS, BUT IF THATS WHAT THEY FEEL. JUST FEW WORDS I WANT TO TELL THEM. I DONT CARE. IM JUST BEING ME. SO WHATS THE MATTER. ENVY.ENVY.ENVY. I HATE IT.

SOME PEOPLE DO DESCRIBE ME AS A PERFECT CREATURE. THATS A FAKE ONE. IM NOT PERFECT, BUT IM TRYING TO BE. MAYBE IM A KIND OF A GIRL WHO NEEDS HER WANTS. IM NOT A PRACTICAL PERSON. I ALWAYS GO FOR THE GOLD. BUT IM NOT A GOLDDIGGER. IM A SUPERCLUMSY GIRL. BUT THEY HAVE TO GET USED TO IT.
TOO BRAGGART. BUT ALL THESE THINGS ARE JUST TRUE. I COULDNT DENY THEM. SO JUDGE ME. BUT FOR SURE. YOULL BE DOING THE WRONG JUDGEMENT IF YOULL FOCUS ON MY WEAKNESSES. SO. BYE BYE.

I AM ALSO KNOWN AS APHRODITE PORTIA ATHENA CHIMERA AND EUTRERPE. TILL NEX ENTRY.
:C

MALAPROPOS MAGNUM-OPUS.

Mine is a diffrent story. It isnt just a common story. Not about to End because mine is an unending Legacy. A second to none individual is still reigning. Now and Forever.

AS they thought i was just a mere girl. But this meregirl will bring out the best in her. Some are too insensitive about my real being. I prefer to be different in many ways. i hate having impersonators, copycats, or something or someone that will give meaning to the word "LIKE". i have my own kind of versatility. i commonly admit something that nobody realizes. maybe im worse since i prefer to be different. ofcourse that will cause people to compare you to the other one. how much more if its the crowd. oohhh,, it might be a superlative comparison. though lots of rumor were there. so? do i care? insecurities has no place here. drop them. soon theyll be gone, promise. i envied people not. not unless i was compelled to. respect begets respect. so hatred have the same thing too.

this is my story, oopz,,sorry still left undOne.

“The are times when I get tired of things. I wish to go somewhere for, so that no one will have a single clue about my being somewhere serene. NO trace of people form my past. No pains &heartaches Away from the stereo typical world. Wanting to vanish and have my “Hakuna Matata”. But then again, I will realize that I was born strong so I must be strong amidst life difficulties. But sometimes I want to be weak even just for once and be held by someone stronger.”

“A Princess without a Title”
Tic-tac-tic-tac.. As the clock sounds, I was just evaluating myself now. Trying to point out who was “HANNAH”. This is the other side of my story. In 16 years of existence, I’ve been into many terrible situation. I become something lose story... I’ve been into deep frustrations and paying pity for my own self. Since then, I Know I’m trying to be one. As your read this you’ll never understand what’s my real identity.
Ii – “Mom & dad, a curse or a blessing?” ii You might wonder why did I said “curse”, in some other ways I become so rebellious with my dad & mom. Since I was a child I never beget love & attention from them. Maybe there is : but its not what I really want. I grew up being dad’s brah’ that was before. Those are really true confession. I never had pictures with my mom, but there’s a picture I was able to treasure. A picture of me with my yaya when I was 3 years old. That’s the reason why they are always sying that she was my real mother. But that was just a joke. I was enrolled into a private school for almost 3 consecutive years.

UNFINISHED.

I DONT STUDY HARD AND YET IM MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

Studies serve for delight, for ornament, and for ability. Their chief use for delight, is in privateness and retiring; for ornament, is in discourse; and for ability, is in the judgment, and disposition of business.

For expert men can execute, and perhaps judge of particulars, one by one; but the general counsels, and the plots and marshalling of affairs, come best, from those that are learned. To spend too much time in studies is sloth; to use them too much for ornament, is affectation; to make judgment wholly by their rules, is the humor of a scholar. They perfect nature, and are perfected by experience: for natural abilities are like natural plants, that need proyning, by study; and studies themselves, do give forth directions too much at large, except they be bounded in by experience. Crafty men contemn studies, simple men admire them, and wise men use them; for they teach not their own use; but that is a wisdom without them, and above them, won by observation. Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider. Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested; that is, some books are to be read only in parts; others to be read, but not curiously; and some few to be read wholly, and with diligence and attention. Some books also may be read by deputy, and extracts made of them by others; but that would be only in the less important arguments, and the meaner sort of books, else distilled books are like common distilled waters, flashy things. Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man. And therefore, if a man write little, he had need have a great memory; if he confer little, he had need have a present wit: and if he read little, he had need have much cunning, to seem to know, that he doth not. Histories make men wise; poets witty; the mathematics subtile; natural philosophy deep; moral grave; logic and rhetoric able to contend. Abeunt studia in mores. Nay, there is no stond or impediment in the wit, but may be wrought out by fit studies; like as diseases of the body, may have appropriate exercises. Bowling is good for the stone and reins; shooting for the lungs and breast; gentle walking for the stomach; riding for the head; and the like. So if a man's wit be wandering, let him study the mathematics; for in demonstrations, if his wit be called away never so little, he must begin again. If his wit be not apt to distinguish or find differences, let him study the Schoolmen; for they are cymini sectores. If he be not apt to beat over matters, and to call up one thing to prove and illustrate another, let him study the lawyers' cases. So every defect of the mind, may have a special receipt.

FOR UNENDING REIGNING.

Many ill matters and projects are undertaken; and private suits do putrefy the public good. Many good matters, are undertaken with bad minds; I mean not only corrupt minds, but crafty minds, that intend not performance.

Some embrace suits, which never mean to deal effectually in them; but if they see there may be life in the matter, by some other mean, they will be content to win a thank, or take a second reward, or at least to make use, in the meantime, of the suitor's hopes. Some take hold of suits, only for an occasion to cross some other; or to make an information, whereof they could not otherwise have apt pretext; without care what become of the suit, when that turn is served; or, generally, to make other men's business a kind of entertainment, to bring in their own. Nay, some undertake suits, with a full purpose to let them fall; to the end to gratify the adverse party, or competitor. Surely there is in some sort a right in every suit; either a right of equity, if it be a suit of controversy; or a right of desert, if it be a suit of petition. If affection lead a man to favor the wrong side in justice, let him rather use his countenance to compound the matter, than to carry it. If affection lead a man to favor the less worthy in desert, let him do it, without depraving or disabling the better deserver. In suits which a man doth not well understand, it is good to refer them to some friend of trust and judgment, that may report, whether he may deal in them with honor: but let him choose well his referendaries, for else he may be led by the nose. Suitors are so distasted with delays and abuses, that plain dealing, in denying to deal in suits at first, and reporting the success barely, and in challenging no more thanks than one hath deserved, is grown not only honorable, but also gracious. In suits of favor, the first coming ought to take little place: so far forth, consideration may be had of his trust, that if intelligence of the matter could not otherwise have been had, but by him, advantage be not taken of the note, but the party left to his other means; and in some sort recompensed, for his discovery. To be ignorant of the value of a suit, is simplicity; as well as to be ignorant of the right thereof, is want of conscience. Secrecy in suits, is a great mean of obtaining; for voicing them to be in forwardness, may discourage some kind of suitors, but doth quicken and awake others. But timing of the suit is the principal. Timing, I say, not only in respect of the person that should grant it, but in respect of those, which are like to cross it. Let a man, in the choice of his mean, rather choose the fittest mean, than the greatest mean; and rather them that deal in certain things, than those that are general. The reparation of a denial, is sometimes equal to the first grant; if a man show himself neither dejected nor discontented. Iniquum petas ut aequum feras is a good rule, where a man hath strength of favor: but otherwise, a man were better rise in his suit; for he, that would have ventured at first to have lost the suitor, will not in the conclusion lose both the suitor, and his own former favor. Nothing is thought so easy a request to a great person, as his letter; and yet, if it be not in a good cause, it is so much out of his reputation. There are no worse instruments, than these general contrivers of suits; for they are but a kind of poison, and infection, to public proceedings.

BEAUTY. BEAUTY.ITS ME.

Virtue is like a rich stone, best plain set; and surely virtue is best, in a body that is comely, though not of delicate features; and that hath rather dignity of presence, than beauty of aspect.

Neither is it almost seen, that very beautiful persons are otherwise of great virtue; as if nature were rather busy, not to err, than in labor to produce excellency. And therefore they prove accomplished, but not of great spirit; and study rather behavior, than virtue. But this holds not always: for Augustus Caesar, Titus Vespasianus, Philip le Belle of France, Edward the Fourth of England, Alcibiades of Athens, Ismael the Sophy of Persia, were all high and great spirits; and yet the most beautiful men of their times. In beauty, that of favor, is more than that of color; and that of decent and gracious motion, more than that of favor. That is the best part of beauty, which a picture cannot express; no, nor the first sight of the life. There is no excellent beauty, that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. A man cannot tell whether Apelles, or Albert Durer, were the more trifler; whereof the one, would make a personage by geometrical proportions; the other, by taking the best parts out of divers faces, to make one excellent. Such personages, I think, would please nobody, but the painter that made them. Not but I think a painter may make a better face than ever was; but he must do it by a kind of felicity (as a musician that maketh an excellent air in music), and not by rule. A man shall see faces, that if you examine them part by part, you shall find never a good; and yet altogether do well. If it be true that the principal part of beauty is in decent motion, certainly it is no marvel, though persons in years seem many times more amiable; pulchrorum autumnus pulcher; for no youth can be comely but by pardon, and considering the youth, as to make up the comeliness. Beauty is as summer fruits, which are easy to corrupt, and cannot last; and for the most part it makes a dissolute youth, and an age a little out of countenance; but yet certainly again, if it light well, it maketh virtue shine, and vices blush.

SO MORE DEFINITELY.
WHO WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS IT?

i just cant smile.

im reffering to HIM

envy and love

There be none of the affections, which have been noted to fascinate or bewitch, but love and envy. They both have vehement wishes; they frame themselves readily into imaginations and suggestions; and they come easily into the eye, especially upon the present of the objects; which are the points that conduce to fascination, if any such thing there be.


See likewise, the Scripture calleth envy an evil eye; and the astrologers, call the evil influences of the stars, evil aspects; so that still there seemeth to be acknowledged, in the act of envy, an ejaculation or irradiation of the eye. Nay, some have been so curious, as to note, that the times when the stroke or percussion of an envious eye doth most hurt, are when the party envied is beheld in glory or triumph; for that sets an edge upon envy: and besides, at such times the spirits of the person envied, do come forth most into the outward parts, and so meet the blow.

But leaving these curiosities (though not unworthy to be thought on, in fit place), we will handle, what persons are apt to envy others; what persons are most subject to be envied themselves; and what is the difference between public and private envy.

A man that hath no virtue in himself, ever envieth virtue in others. For men's minds, will either feed upon their own good, or upon others' evil; and who wanteth the one, will prey upon the other; and whoso is out of hope, to attain to another's virtue, will seek to come at even hand, by depressing another's fortune.

A man that is busy, and inquisitive, is commonly envious. For to know much of other men's matters, cannot be because all that ado may concern his own estate; therefore it must needs be, that he taketh a kind of play-pleasure, in looking upon the fortunes of others. Neither can he, that mindeth but his own business, find much matter for envy. For envy is a gadding passion, and walketh the streets, and doth not keep home: Non est curiosus, quin idem sit malevolus.

Men of noble birth, are noted to be envious towards new men, when they rise. For the distance is altered, and it is like a deceit of the eye, that when others come on, they think themselves, go back.

Deformed persons, and eunuchs, and old men, and bastards, are envious. For he that cannot possibly mend his own case, will do what he can, to impair another's; except these defects light upon a very brave, and heroical nature, which thinketh to make his natural wants part of his honor; in that it should be said, that an eunuch, or a lame man, did such great matters; affecting the honor of a miracle; as it was in Narses the eunuch, and Agesilaus and Tamberlanes, that were lame men.

The same is the case of men, that rise after calamities and misfortunes. For they are as men fallen out with the times; and think other men's harms, a redemption of their own sufferings.

They that desire to excel in too many matters, out of levity and vain glory, are ever envious. For they cannot want work; it being impossible, but many, in some one of those things, should surpass them. Which was the character of Adrian the Emperor; that mortally envied poets, and painters, and artificers, in works wherein he had a vein to excel.

Lastly, near kinsfolks, and fellows in office, and those that have been bred together, are more apt to envy their equals, when they are raised. For it doth upbraid unto them their own fortunes, and pointeth at them, and cometh oftener into their remembrance, and incurreth likewise more into the note of others; and envy ever redoubleth from speech and fame. Cain's envy was the more vile and malignant, towards his brother Abel, because when his sacrifice was better accepted, there was no body to look on. Thus much for those, that are apt to envy.

Concerning those that are more or less subject to envy: First, persons of eminent virtue, when they are advanced, are less envied. For their fortune seemeth, but due unto them; and no man envieth the payment of a debt, but rewards and liberality rather. Again, envy is ever joined with the comparing of a man's self; and where there is no comparison, no envy; and therefore kings are not envied, but by kings. Nevertheless it is to be noted, that unworthy persons are most envied, at their first coming in, and afterwards overcome it better; whereas contrariwise, persons of worth and merit are most envied, when their fortune continueth long. For by that time, though their virtue be the same, yet it hath not the same lustre; for fresh men grow up that darken it.

Persons of noble blood, are less envied in their rising. For it seemeth but right done to their birth. Besides, there seemeth not much added to their fortune; and envy is as the sunbeams, that beat hotter upon a bank, or steep rising ground, than upon a flat. And for the same reason, those that are advanced by degrees, are less envied than those that are advanced suddenly and per saltum.

Those that have joined with their honor great travels, cares, or perils, are less subject to envy. For men think that they earn their honors hardly, and pity them sometimes; and pity ever healeth envy. Wherefore you shall observe, that the more deep and sober sort of politic persons, in their greatness, are ever bemoaning themselves, what a life they lead; chanting a quanta patimur! Not that they feel it so, but only to abate the edge of envy. But this is to be understood, of business that is laid upon men, and not such, as they call unto themselves. For nothing increaseth envy more, than an unnecessary and ambitious engrossing of business. And nothing doth extinguish envy than for a great person to preserve all other inferior officers, in their full rights and pre-eminences of their places. For by that means, there be so many screens between him and envy.

Above all, those are most subject to envy, which carry the greatness of their fortunes, in an insolent and proud manner; being never well, but while they are showing how great they are, either by outward pomp, or by triumphing over all opposition or competition; whereas wise men will rather do sacrifice to envy, in suffering themselves sometimes of purpose to be crossed, and overborne in things that do not much concern them. Notwithstanding, so much is true, that the carriage of greatness, in a plain and open manner (so it be without arrogancy and vain glory) doth draw less envy, than if it be in a more crafty and cunning fashion. For in that course, a man doth but disavow fortune; and seemeth to be conscious of his own want in worth; and doth but teach others, to envy him.

Lastly, to conclude this part; as we said in the beginning, that the act of envy had somewhat in it of witchcraft, so there is no other cure of envy, but the cure of witchcraft; and that is to remove the lot (as they call it) and to lay it upon another. For which purpose, the wiser sort of great persons, bring in ever upon the stage somebody upon whom to derive the envy, that would come upon themselves; sometimes upon ministers and servants; sometimes upon colleagues and associates; and the like; and for that turn there are never wanting, some persons of violent and undertaking natures, who, so they may have power and business, will take it at any cost.

Now, to speak of public envy. There is yet some good in public envy, whereas in private, there is none. For public envy, is as an ostracism, that eclipseth men, when they grow too great. And therefore it is a bridle also to great ones, to keep them within bounds.

This envy, being in the Latin word invidia, goeth in the modern language, by the name of discontentment; of which we shall speak, in handling sedition. It is a disease, in a state, like to infection. For as infection spreadeth upon that which is sound, and tainteth it; so when envy is gotten once into a state, it traduceth even the best actions thereof, and turneth them into an ill odor. And therefore there is little won, by intermingling of plausible actions. For that doth argue but a weakness, and fear of envy, which hurteth so much the more, as it is likewise usual in infections; which if you fear them, you call them upon you.

This public envy, seemeth to beat chiefly upon principal officers or ministers, rather than upon kings, and estates themselves. But this is a sure rule, that if the envy upon the minister be great, when the cause of it in him is small; or if the envy be general, in a manner upon all the ministers of an estate; then the envy (though hidden) is truly upon the state itself. And so much of public envy or discontentment, and the difference thereof from private envy, which was handled in the first place.

We will add this in general, touching the affection of envy; that of all other affections, it is the most importune and continual. For of other affections, there is occasion given, but now and then; and therefore it was well said, Invidia festos dies non agit: for it is ever working upon some or other. And it is also noted, that love and envy do make a man pine, which other affections do not, because they are not so continual. It is also the vilest affection, and the most depraved; for which cause it is the proper attribute of the devil, who is called, the envious man, that soweth tares amongst the wheat by night; as it always cometh to pass, that envy worketh subtilly, and in the dark, and to the prejudice of good things, such as is the wheat.


The stage is more beholding to love, that the life of man. For as to the stage, love is ever matter of comedies, and now and then of tragedies; but in life it doth much mischief; sometimes like a siren, sometimes like a fury. OF
LOVE
You may observe, that amongst all the great and worthy persons (whereof the memory remaineth, either ancient or recent) there is not one, that hath been transported to the mad degree of love: which shows that great spirits, and great business, do keep out this weak passion. You must except, nevertheless, Marcus Antonius, the half partner of the empire of Rome, and Appius Claudius, the decemvir and lawgiver; whereof the former was indeed a voluptuous man, and inordinate; but the latter was an austere and wise man: and therefore it seems (though rarely) that love can find entrance, not only into an open heart, but also into a heart well fortified, if watch be not well kept. It is a poor saying of Epicurus, Satis magnum alter alteri theatrum sumus; as if man, made for the contemplation of heaven, and all noble objects, should do nothing but kneel before a little idol and make himself a subject, though not of the mouth (as beasts are), yet of the eye; which was given him for higher purposes. It is a strange thing, to note the excess of this passion, and how it braves the nature, and value of things, by this; that the speaking in a perpetual hyperbole, is comely in nothing but in love. Neither is it merely in the phrase; for whereas it hath been well said, that the arch-flatterer, with whom all the petty flatterers have intelligence, is a man's self; certainly the lover is more. For there was never proud man thought so absurdly well of himself, as the lover doth of the person loved; and therefore it was well said, That it is impossible to love, and to be wise. Neither doth this weakness appear to others only, and not to the party loved; but to the loved most of all, except the love be reciproque. For it is a true rule, that love is ever rewarded, either with the reciproque, or with an inward and secret contempt. By how much the more, men ought to beware of this passion, which loseth not only other things, but itself! As for the other losses, the poet's relation doth well figure them: that he that preferred Helena, quitted the gifts of Juno and Pallas. For whosoever esteemeth too much of amorous affection, quitteth both riches and wisdom. This passion hath his floods, in very times of weakness; which are great prosperity, and great adversity; though this latter hath been less observed: both which times kindle love, and make it more fervent, and therefore show it to be the child of folly. They do best, who if they cannot but admit love, yet make it keep quarters; and sever it wholly from their serious affairs, and actions, of life; for if it check once with business, it troubleth men's fortunes, and maketh men, that they can no ways be true to their own ends. I know not how, but martial men are given to love: I think, it is but as they are given to wine; for perils commonly ask to be paid in pleasures. There is in man's nature, a secret inclination and motion, towards love of others, which if it be not spent upon some one or a few, doth naturally spread itself towards many, and maketh men become humane and charitable; as it is seen sometime in friars. Nuptial love maketh mankind; friendly love perfecteth it; but wanton love corrupteth, and embaseth it.

LOVE AND TIME.

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all constructed boats and left. Except for Love.

Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to hold out until the last possible moment.

When the island had almost sunk, Love decided to ask for help.

Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said,
"Richness, can you take me with you?"
Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel. "Vanity, please help me!"
"I can't help you, Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat," Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked, "Sadness, let me go with you."
"Oh . . . Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love, too, but she was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her.

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come, Love, I will take you." It was an elder. So blessed and overjoyed, Love even forgot to ask the elder where they were going. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went her own way. Realizing how much was owed the elder,

Love asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who Helped me?"
"It was Time," Knowledge answered.
"Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?"
Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because only Time is capable of understanding how valuable Love is."




gonna think what happen soon.
im toTally insane right now.
-HANNAH GRACE SORIANO MESDE-

FOR YOU.:C

I Can't Find A Reason To Let Go
Even Though You've Found A New Love
And She's What Your Dreams Are Made Of
I Can Find A Reason To Hang On
What Went Wrong Can Be Forgiven
Without You, It Ain't Worth Livin' Alone


Sometimes I Wake Up Crying At Night
And Sometimes I Scream Out Your Name
What Right Does She Have To Take You Away
When For So Long, You Were Mine


I Took Out All The Pictures Of Our Craziest Day
It Was A Time Of Love And Laughter
Happy Ever After
But Even Those Old Pictures Have Begun To Fade
Please Tell Me She's Not Real
And That You're Really Coming Home To Stay.

I Can Give You Two Good Reasons
To Show You Love's Not Blind
He's Two And She's Four, And You Know They Adore You
So How Can I Tell Them You've Changed Your Mind


-HANNAH-
I WANT HIM BACK.
NOW.
NEVER.

iF oNly you cOuld.-HANNAH

If you could see me now
The one who said that shes rather roam
The one who said shed rather be alone
If you could only see me now

If I could hold you now
Just for a moment, if I could really make you mine
Just for a while, turn back the hands of time
If I could only hold you now

Ive been too long in the wind
Too long in the rain
Taking any comfort that I can
Looking back and longing for
The freedom of my chains
And lying in your loving arms again

If you could hear me now
Singing somewhere through the lonely nights
Dreaming of the arms that held me tight
If you could only hear me now

BROKEN MEMORIES AND LONG LOST TRUTHS.

Broken Memories and Long Lost
Truths
1
The one who lost me and the time I found myself
You left your mark
Lusondra Artis
2
INTRODUCTION
It took a long time for him to change, for him to recognize the pain between
them as his own. For him to recollect the sensation of the barrier he had
created, cool on his blazing skin as if it were eagerly paring away the layers he
had so delicately emplaced. As he laid there in his confinement, she couldn’t
help but wonder whether there had been a change in him at all or rather that
he had been that way all along and that it was she who coaxed it to the
surface. Maddox was only seventeen when he realized what their life together
meant and she had decided to walk out of his forever.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
3
You’ve stolen everything I have
And you’ve given nothing
Everything
Emptiness
You’ve taken all I can loan
And all I can ever truly own
And I have nothing left to give
But yet I sit here and wait for the times when you “give” me something more
But those times are evanescent and I can’t wait any longer
I’ve given all my heart and even all my strength
But nothing is enough
I’ve given all my love and tried to hide my face
So that you couldn’t see
Exactly what you mean to me
But even if I did show you
I don’t know if you’d see
Because somehow no matter what I do
You are completely blind to me
Lusondra Artis
4
UNE
I have 6 minutes to make something brilliant
To save myself from your grasp
Now 4 minutes to leave you behind
And honestly no longer having anything to hide
2 minutes before it’s over and left in my past
And 1 minute is enough to say
“I love you!” at last.
The warm July morning when Charlie Lamont finally decided to
speak, she changed his life and furthered her own. She didn’t bother to call
ahead of time. She wanted to catch him by surprise. She didn’t want him to
have a choice in the matter. She had decided it was time. She was ready to tell
him everything, even if it meant losing it all at once. She had made up her
mind months before but today had felt right.
There was an air about that particular morning when she was awakened by
the sun on her face, that made her feel it was right, so she went with the
hunch and pulled up to his house just an hour later. It was 10am and he had
just risen from a dreamless sleep.
Nerves flooded her body causing small convulsions as she walked up
the wooden staircase. She was too nervous to ring the door bell so she took a
deep breath and knocked two times trying to steady her hand. This is
pointless; she thought but as she turned to leave there was a crack in the
door and the sunlight behind her flooded the entrance way where he stood.
This is it. Now or never and never is far too long. She smiled the best she
could, more for herself than him, and he returned it gently, to her surprise.
He had opened his mouth to call out to the house that she had arrived when
she stopped him with her hand on his shoulder.
“I came to see you.”
Those five words choked her and she thought she’d never breathe again. He
was silent and she knew she had to explain before she didn’t have the nerve.
“I wanted to talk to you. Are you free to take a ride?”
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
5
She didn’t know what to expect but before she had time to hold her breath
he answered softly, “Yea sure. Charlie, is everything okay?”
Is everything okay? Well, I guess that depends on what he would define as
okay. She couldn’t find an answer so they let the moment pass by,
undisturbed by the deafening silence between them.
“Can you drive? I don’t think I can right now”.
“Sure”, he replied, and they got into his blue ’92 Chevy and pulled
out of the drive in silence. He was the first to break it.
“Where do you want to go?”
“Do you mind if we just take a ride?”
He answered with a nod. He didn’t mind but he was unsure now of his
decision to come with her. He was anxious to hear what she had to say, a
feeling he hadn’t felt in over two years.
She spoke to him softly and with the window down and the wind
screaming outside, he wasn’t sure what he heard until she continued, blowing
his mind with every word. The words came out in a rush and he didn’t know
where one sentence started and the other ended. Her voice was trembling
with every syllable and he knew it was only a matter of moments before the
tears began to flow.
“I’m sorry.”
It was the only real thing he had heard her say and he couldn’t help but feel
sorry for her, sitting there literally spilling her heart out in his truck and he
had no idea what to say. So he didn’t say anything; he pulled over to the side
of the narrow road, turned off the engine and he hugged her. He felt her
sobs grow louder and harder against his chest and he knew he had done the
right thing. They didn’t need to talk, he understood. This is all she needed.
After a few minutes, when his shirt began to stick to his chest where she had
nestled her head, she spoke; clear, harsh words.
“I love you.”
It was all she said. The skin around her eyes glistening with tears but she was
no longer producing the constant flow. She looked at him with anger and
love and he knew nothing. He had no feeling, no words; all he had was the
look on her face branded in his mind. Nothing was said again for a long time
and she had begun to wonder whether she should hop out and start her trek
back to the house, when he spoke words that thoroughly surprised her.
“I know. I’ve always known. Since the day we became friends, I knew
you would love me and always be there for me and when I should’ve
Lusondra Artis
6
taken that as a good thing I saw it as a curse because I knew I’d never
know how to love you back.” Right then, despite her shock, she
knew exactly how to reply. She stared out the window in front of her for a
long time before she began to speak, avoiding his gaze.
“I’m scared. My feelings for you scare me everyday. I hate being in
the same room with you for fear that my emotions might break the entire
scene in two and everyone will think that they were right all along but none
of them will truly know the truth because no one, not even me, will ever
know how I truly feel about you. The only thing I know is that I want you in
my life and that I want you as my friend. Other than those two things there is
nothing I am certain of.”
It was hard for her to say it but he needed to hear and once it was off
her chest she immediately was able to breathe again. She was no longer
scared of the outcome; there were no consequences. What mattered now was
her ability to just say it. She thought back to all the poems and diary entries
and the countless words she had written for him trying to explain herself and
she couldn’t come up with one thing to say now. For some reason “I love
you” had been enough. She was no longer angry or upset by the way things
had turned out because he understood. He had known all along and had
admitted his faults right there in front of her. He was afraid to feel things as
she had been. She was relieved by the realization of their similarities and his
ability to be honest with her; facing the issue.
He turned the truck on again and began to drive in no particular
direction. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted a doe ready to leap. He
slammed on the breaks inches from her path, letting her pass safely. He
swore he saw her nod in her passing and without any warning she had
disappeared into the thicket once again. Charlie hardly had time to catch her
breath as the truck lurched to a halt.
Just as quickly as she had appeared, the doe leaped back into the
woods leaving the breathless couple holding hands for dear life.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
7
DEUX
Here right where you left me bleeding and crying
Begging for recognition, pleading for acceptance
Waiting for existence; hunting for life other than this
Save me from yourself
Two months earlier she got a call in the late hours of the night from a
friend. It was an unexpected call and it woke her abruptly from her sleep.
Instantly when she heard her tone, she thought it could only be one thing.
“Sweetie, what happened?” What did he do?
There was a flood of incoherent words on the other end until Page Mason
took a deep breath and was able to speak again.
“I broke up with him and I wasn’t ready.” Thank god, it wasn’t him.
Greg and Page had been going out for maybe two weeks when she
realized she couldn’t do it. He was too clingy and not manly enough for her.
She knew exactly what and who she wanted and Greg just wasn’t that.
“He just took me by surprise. He was saying all these things that
made me think he was breaking up with me and then when I started to lead
the conversation that way he freaked out. He kept saying how perfect a
match I was for him and how he’ll never be the same and I couldn’t do
anything but cry. He kept asking me why I was doing this to him, what he
had done wrong and I tried to explain to him that I just couldn’t do it. I can’t
be his girlfriend. I can’t be anyone’s. I feel so bad. I’m a horrible person.”
A response came to Charlie right away and it soothed Page almost
instantly. She always seemed to know what to say when midnight crises
struck. It was just one of many in their two year relationship.
The phone calls continued on a nightly basis with Page explaining all
the changes that had begun. They talked about Greg’s failed attempts to
reconcile their relationship and his spiteful actions toward her when things
didn’t go as planned. And of course they talked about him.
Lusondra Artis
8
Him, the mystery man; the boy of which they just couldn’t get
enough. And the one who would never go away.
A few months back Page had confronted Maddox about the way she
felt. She told him she wasn’t waiting anymore and that he needed to tell her
how he felt. He responded with, “I don’t know how I feel about anything
right now.” She was upset but had learned, as did Charlie, to be content with
what he offered. Yet still, she claimed she was done. She didn’t want to hurt
anymore. The past two years had taken a hard toll on her and if he wasn’t
ready to make a decision then she was going to make it for him. But then fate
stepped in. Page traveled to Italy for a week with some friends from school
and met Greg. It had happened so fast. They met, they talked, and two days
later they were an item. When she called Charlie the night she got home, she
was ecstatic. She claimed she was finally over Maddox. He was no longer an
issue but Charlie was well aware that this Greg character was nothing but a
temporary distraction and could only end badly.
They began talking about her new found relationship and every night
Page came up with more reasons why she didn’t see the relationship going
much further and Charlie agreed. Although she didn’t want to see or admit it
at first, every time Page was with Greg she couldn’t help but wonder why he
wasn’t Maddox.
Charlie wasn’t the type to hide her feelings on a subject and she made
it very clear that she didn’t think being with Greg was doing anything but
letting Page make herself believe Maddox didn’t mean anything to her. In the
end, Page realized her subconscious motives and recognized that no matter
how hard she tried she could never replace her true love.
When she finally broke things off with Greg, Maddox was one of the
first to know. They had grown close over the years and she knew she could
call him in times of need. She told him that she realized that she didn’t want
to be with anyone. She wasn’t that type of girl. Commitment scared her and
she finally was able to understand why he had in fact been single for so long
and why he had denied her every advance. They had come to understand
each other, but then as unexpectedly as her relationship with Greg, Maddox
got a girlfriend.
It was horrible timing. Page had just broken it off with Greg and
although she was happy with her decision, she couldn’t help but wonder why
she was alone and Maddox had found someone else. What did this girl have
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
9
that Page didn’t? As far as Charlie was concerned, the only thing she had was
his pity and Page had never received that feeling from him.
It just so happened, that Maddox had been talking to Lorraine for a
few months and she was really getting attached. One night, when she was
feeling sporty, she asked for something more in their relationship and he
freak out. He explained to her that he didn’t want to complicate things and
that he was content with the way they were. So she got angry and stopped
speaking to him. They were friends and he didn’t want to hurt her, so a
month or so later he asked her to date him; immediately regretting it.
When Page discovered this bit of information she informed Charlie
and then everything made sense. They both knew him far too well. They
knew he didn’t just suddenly decide he was dating material; he just didn’t
want to hurt her feelings. It was a nasty habit of his that usually ended badly;
something Charlie had experienced firsthand several times.
Another night of their conversations had led to Maddox but instead
of it pertaining to Page and Maddox, as it so often was, it was about Charlie
and Maddox. The subject of their “relationship” was a sore one and Page and
Charlie avoided it whenever possible. They had been discussing old situations
and some how Kirby came up.
Kirby Simpson-Kayne was a “friend” of Charlie’s, and had happened
to be the childhood best friend of Maddox.
“He came up to me and said, “I know you know, so just tell me!” He
asked me if it was true if anything happened between you and Kirby. So I
told him it was none of our business and he should ask you himself if he
really wanted to know.”
“But he never would.”
“Exactly! That’s why I said it.”
“That really pisses me off. After all we’ve been through he should be
able to ask me himself but of course he wouldn’t.”
Kirby had been a fling and somewhat of a mistake. Charlie and he
had had a weird relationship. They had become fairly close during his
freshmen year in high school and they were always joking about getting
together. Charlie had never taken him seriously until the day he proposed
that they should “have fun” as friends. For some strange reason, that until
afterward she couldn’t explain, she went along with his little game. She knew
Lusondra Artis
10
she shouldn’t have but her subconscious definitely won that argument. In the
end, she knew exactly why she’d accept his ridiculous request even though
Taylor and Delilah tried to persuade her against it. They tried to make her see
what she was doing, but she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to admit
that since she couldn’t get close to Maddox, she was just settling for a
meaningless fling with Kirby, or the fact that it was her sick twisted way of
getting back at him somehow. She made up her mind after knowing the
consequences and ignoring them and now Maddox knew.
She was angry, at him and with herself, and motivated to tell him off. It
would be the first time she had the opportunity to get all the emotions out
that she’d had bottled up for years. She would be able to confront him not
only with this, but also segue into all the buried pains she had stowed away.
An hour and a half later, when Page decided to call it a night, they got
off the phone and Charlie immediately started to cry. She had no idea what
she was going to do but she cried only for a moment and then she composed
herself and called Delilah.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
11
TROIS
The kiss
It was given in a fluid motion
You gave it as though it meant nothing
It was received out of desperation
It was meant to scorn
Your kiss of death has never left my lips
Delilah Claymore was Charlie’s best friend. She always knew exactly
how to fix the ridiculous crap going on in Charlie’s life. They were good
together. They understood each other and when Charlie didn’t know what
else to do, she called Delilah.
They had met in middle school in an English class. They had to
revise each other’s papers and realized the similarities between them, but it
wasn’t until their junior year in high school that they actually became friends.
They participate in theater together and shared a few classes, so it was easy
for their bond to grow. Now Delilah was off at college dealing with her own
distractions but she was almost always available to listen.
They hadn’t spoken in a while, they kind of had a fight recently, but
once the conversation started it was like nothing had changed between them.
A wise woman once said, “You don’t have to talk to or see your friends
everyday to know they’re your friends. You just have to call them up and
you’ll pick up right where you left off.”-D.M. That was exactly how it was for
Delilah and Charlie.
“Delilah, can I tell you something?”
So she explained her findings from Page and told Delilah how she felt about
it and Delilah was not surprised. She had been hearing about Maddox for
two years. He had been the main topic of their conversation for most of that
time. Actually it was really all Charlie ever talked about with anyone. Charlie
had been almost obsessing over her issues with him since their friendship
began. She couldn’t help it, he was always in her head and for a time all she
could think about and all she cared about was Maddox Montgomery.
Lusondra Artis
12
It almost ruined her life, literally. She stopped everything. She
couldn’t do any work. She couldn’t speak, think, or sleep without thinking of
him. He consumed her. And she lost herself completely. She was constantly
confused and always upset and there was nothing anyone could do to make it
better. She went to countless therapy sessions but it all came down to one
thing, she knew all along what she had to do. So she explained her plan to
Delilah.
She was going to march up to him, sit him down and make him listen
to her. She was going to start off by asking him why he felt he couldn’t come
to her when he had found out about her and Kirby. Then she was going to
ask him if he believed the rumors and clear up any discrepancies. Then she
was going to expand it and mention the fact that ever since the school dance
back in her junior year, things have never been the same between them. He
used to talk to her, he used to, at least seemed to, enjoy her company and she
used to be able to call him her friend. She wanted to know what had
happened between them and if there was any reason for her to try to keep a
relationship like theirs, or lack there of, alive.
Delilah listened with patience as she always did when Charlie
rambled, and at the end of her speech, Charlie begged Delilah not to let her
back down. She couldn’t wait any longer. She had been fighting a losing
battle for over two years and it would soon be three and maybe four if she
didn’t speak up. So she decided to clear up the ambiguity of their relationship
once and for all; she just had to find the right time.
The following week, Maddox and Lorraine became an item and
Charlie saw it as another roadblock in her journey to let him go. She let three
months pass, hoping the relationship would end so he wouldn’t think he was
trying to interfere. But it got to the point that she couldn’t wait any longer;
she had to finish it.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
13
QUATRE
Captivated by the movement of your lips as you speak of nothing I want to hear
Lost inside my head as I search for things I am permitted to say
Trying not to lose my composure while I'm in your presence
Hinting at how I feel but only succeeding in making you oblivious to it
Slitting my throat every time I open my mouth to speak
Murdering myself while failing to keep the atmosphere comfortable
Hating to see your face, and to hear your voice
Shaking when I feel the slightest bit of affection from you
Keeping my distance, yet standing extremely close to you
Leaving you and watching you leaving me all alone
She ran as fast as she could, trying to find a way out. Her mind was a blank
canvas. All she heard was the rhythm of her footsteps hitting the track. The
wind rushed across her face and the air filled her lungs. She was able to
breathe again after suffocating daily. It was when she felt most alive and
when she felt free; free to be herself and free to live without analyzing
everything.
For once her mind was not focused on him. For about 30 minutes to
an hour a few times a week she had the ability to forget about the two years
of chaos she faced with him. Running was her only saving grace. She got on
the track and she let go. Her mind, wanting nothing but to rest; to be at
peace with it’s self. She breathes. Although labored, it was the easiest
breathing she’d done in months.
Maddox was off her mind. She cared only about the steps she took
and the feel of the wind swirling around her body. The soft breeze she
created as she moved toward her destination of Freedom. She didn’t have to
worry what he might say or how he might feel or what she should do or say
when she saw him, all she could do was run.
Charlie had been trying to runaway from Maddox for years and she
had never succeeded. Her mind had always brought her back, and if it wasn’t
her mind, it was him. She couldn’t escape him and she tried everything, even
ignoring him and physically separating herself from him and neither seemed
Lusondra Artis
14
to work. He was always there. He was the force around her and the name on
her tongue and the sound in her mind and the pain in her heart but most of
all he was the proprietor of her love. He continued to win her over even
when he didn’t actively participate in the game. She tried to convince herself
he wasn’t worth her time and her pain and yet he rode in on his mighty steed
and he crushed any hope she had of forgetting him. Forgetting the way he
crookedly smiled, the way his eyes wander when he couldn’t bare to make
eye contact, the way he could easily stare you into a trance when he was
speaking to someone else, and the way he fidgeted, and the color of his eyes,
their green, honey brown glow and the strength in his hands even when they
were idle. She could never forget. So she ran just to get one moment of bliss;
one temporary escape.
***
They drove for a long time in silence. In two years, this was the first
time Charlie no longer had the urge to speak. She was able to breathe. She
had said everything worth saying and now she just wanted to crawl away to
her bed and never see him again. She looked out the open window and felt
the wind and thought of running. She had finally found a new way to escape
him and she was ready to let go completely, but at the same time she couldn’t
just walk away, not after her confession. Not after what he had said. She had
wasted two years and now she let it out and had no idea where to go from
here. And now she was stuck in a closed space with the one person she
wanted to be with and the same person who she needed to break away from.
It was in those hours that Charlie finally realized what she needed and now
she knew that Maddox was not it. She was ready to escape the prison that
had been consuming her. She was finally free from the looming shadow he
had cast. But unknown to her, Maddox was not ready to let her go.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
15
CINQ
The tears running down my face won’t change a thing,
You will still be the same,
Living the same distant life,
In the same small town,
With the same small minded people,
Have things changed?
You listen to the sound of my voice quiver as I let it all out
As though it were words being read from a page,
So liquid as it flows out of my mouth as though I were possessed
I wish that I could say it.
I wish that I could say it all.
I wish you could hear it
I wish you could take in every word and understand it
Although I know it won’t mean a thing
It won’t change a thing
Take me in your arms
Abuse me with your words
Just as long as you say something
Maddox Montgomery was an awkward freshman best known for his
infamous brother Aden Montgomery. The only person who saw him as
something more was Charlie Lamont.
Charlie and Maddox met during an event one evening at the local
High school where they both were helping with a fundraiser for the theater
department. He was a JV football player; his brother was the star
Quarterback plus one of the best musicians and actors in the school. Charlie
was an actress and also a huge fan of Football. They both lived in Oak Hills,
Louisiana, a small town where football was everything.
Oak Hills was shaped almost like a small obtuse triangle. It was built
on a long stretch of land located just five miles from the closest Bayou.
Although it may have been small it was divided into five sections based solely
on income. The upper class district on Oak and Main was located in the
northern part of town, the wannabe upper class was on Portland and Tenth
Lusondra Artis
16
just southwest at the tip of the triangle, the upper to middle class residential
area called Hopeland Heights split between Curst and Watson was smack in
the middle, the apartment complex on Fifth was just behind, and finally the
“lower” class strip on Farmland was at the edge of town on the lower tip,
where all the markets and businesses could be found.
Oak Hills didn’t really have a “lower” class, anyone making less than
$40,000 a year couldn’t afford to live in Oak Hills but since $40,000 was the
minimum, that bracket of people were seen as “less fortunate”. Almost
everyone owned their home and had money to throw out the window. The
small percentage that didn’t fit the mold included the Lamont Family. They
lived in a small home her mother and father had bought when they were first
married with the help of a mutual friend as a wedding gift. It wasn’t in the
best shape and compared to the houses in the other parts of town it was like
a shack.
The Montgomery’s lived in a huge white plantation home with a
classic wrap-around porch and blue shutters on the corner of Oak and Main
set back a mile behind a wrought-iron gate just a few miles past the high
school. They had a dog named Jack and two cats. Mr. Montgomery was the
police chief of the local police department and Mrs. Montgomery was an
English teacher at Oak Hills High. Aden Montgomery, a brilliant young
musician with a 4.0 was the oldest of the three Montgomery children. Aden’s
charm and wit was his weapon. Every girl fell for him and every guy wanted
to be his best friend. He was finishing his senior year, and then heading off
to Harvard on a scholarship for his composition of a hip hop influenced
symphony. Julie, the youngest child was the Montgomery’s pride and joy and
the only girl. She was the epitome of a little princess. Her impeccable grades
and beautiful smile kept Julie at the head of her class and made her the most
popular girl in middle school and would no doubt be, in high school. But of
all the Montgomery children the one who stood out the most, at least in
Charlie’s eyes, was Maddox.
Maddox was the odd child of the three Montgomery’s. He didn’t get
great grades like his siblings and he wasn’t well known but he had his
brother’s charm, his sister’s smile, his father’s skills but most of all he had his
mother’s good looks. He was the darkest of the children taking after his
mother’s dark features. He had chiseled bronze cheeks and muscles and long
dark hair, but he had his father’s light green eyes. One look at Maddox and
he could take your breath away. Most people didn’t look at Maddox in that
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
17
way though. Most just saw him for the dorky little kid he was, but with
summer came a whole new Maddox.
Lusondra Artis
18
SIX
Late night
Hour long phone calls
It was 10pm and Maddox groggily rolled over to look at the phone
frantically buzzing on his nightstand. The word Charlie flashed across the
screen and he immediately picked it up.
“Hello?” he said in the particularly deep voice he had when he had
just risen from a deep sleep.
“Hey! Are you sleeping?”
“No, but I was.”
“Sorry. I didn’t think you’d be asleep yet. I was just wondering what
you’re doing Friday night? Sharon Ford’s having a party and I wanted to
know if you were going.”
“Are you?”
“I don’t know yet. I was thinking about it but I’m not sure.”
“Well, I’ll go if you go.”
“Okay! So I’ll meet you there at 8?”
“Sure.”
“Night.”
“Night.”
After she had hung up, she could still feel her heart beating
uncontrollably. It was an awkward feeling but she figured it had to do with
her excitement about their plans. It had been a couple of months into their
friendship and after raving to Delilah about the kid for a month or so she
couldn’t wait to spend time with them together.
They had met in late February and March had gone by fairly
smoothly but she couldn’t help but wonder what she was feeling toward
Maddox. She exhausted herself with questions of whether all she felt was
friendship and she dismissed anything that suggested otherwise.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
19
Even other people noticed her confusion, but they all took it as an excuse to
assume that the two of them were something more and now when she thinks
back on it she gets angry at the ignorance of people. If it hadn’t been for the
assumptions and the rumors she felt Maddox and she would still be friends.
Lusondra Artis
20
SEPT
Bare before you with absolutely everything to hide
Staring at you, listening to myself breathe
Shallow breaths of despair
Knowing that I am exposed
But everything you see is a lie
The world has planted its seed
And it has made you blind to me
I can not move in this infinite darkness
But I can see you as though you were the light
Shining through to warm my frozen body
To warm my soul
I will never be whole again
You have taken down all my walls
The sky has crashed down before your very eyes
And you can not see
I want to scream but in my mute state
I can not break the silence
I can not break into you
Your armor burns
It was a chilly Friday night in April when Delilah and Charlie were
standing in the parking lot of the local shopping center waiting for his phone
call.
“Maddox said he’d call back in an hour so we can tell him where to
meet us and it’s been almost two hours and I haven’t gotten a call yet.”
Delilah said while staring down at the phone in her hand.
It wasn’t like him not to call back or so they thought of the boy
they’d both know for a couple of months or so. The three of them, Delilah,
Charlie and Maddox, were immediately inseparable after they all participated
in a school play. Maddox was just a year younger than Charlie, who was
almost a year younger than Delilah. He was old for his grade and didn’t know
too many people in high school other than his friends from junior high, his
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
21
brother and his brother’s friends, so it was nice to get two friends like Delilah
and Charlie. Both girls knew a lot of people and had very prominent
personalities. It helped him feel more comfortable in his skin when he was
with them. Most of their interaction was in school or on the phone at night
but there were a few times when they met outside of school and most times
these meetings ended disastrously.
This particular evening would be their first meeting outside of school
alone; just the three of them, and it would end even before it had a chance to
begin because of bad reception.
Maddox had called the girls three times before he gave up and had
his mother bring him home. It was about 9pm on Friday night when his
phone rang.
“Hey.”
“Hey, what happened to you? You never called us back!” It was
Delilah’s voice on the other end or Charlie’s; he could never really tell the
two apart.
“I called you three times; it rang a bunch of times and then went to
voicemail.”
“Oh.” she said, and then Delilah turned to Charlie and explained
what had happened.
“Where are you now?” she asked.
“I’m home. After I couldn’t get in touch with you guys I decided I
should just go. I didn’t want to stay at the party without you so I went and
said hi, wished Sharon a happy birthday and left.”
“You were here?”
“Yea. Wait, where’s here?”
“You came to the market? We were standing in the parking lot
waiting for your call. We didn’t want to go in without you. You probably
drove right by us.”
“Oh man, I wish I would’ve known. That sucks! Maybe we can
hangout next weekend?”
“Yea, that’d be nice.”
“Cool, talk to you later, night.”
“Night.”
Delilah hung up slowly with much disappointment but it couldn’t
compare to the way Charlie was feeling. Charlie had waited all week for that
Lusondra Artis
22
night and it had been cut short by something she couldn’t control. She would
soon realize lack of control would be the trend of her friendship with
Maddox Montgomery.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
23
HUIT
They talked about us
Rumors flying
But you never should have listened to them
They voiced their opinions
Sabotaged our feelings
When absolutely nothing was happening
About a month had passed since the Friday in April and it was time
for the school dance. Delilah and Charlie weren’t particularly excited. They
both were too busy to go dress shopping until the absolute last minute and
Charlie couldn’t find anyone to go with. She didn’t want to be the only one
of her friends to go alone but she also didn’t want a formal date. Maddox
said he’d hang out afterward so at least that would be worthwhile but Charlie
couldn’t help wondering what it would be like if he joined them at the dance.
It was the middle of the day; Charlie and Delilah were at lunch and
wandering the halls of Oaks High when they ran into Maddox. It was less
than a week before the dance and Charlie was still restless to find a friend to
go with, but the only person she could think of was Maddox.
She didn’t want to ask him. She didn’t want to make things awkward.
What if he took it wrong? What if people thought they were dating? What
if he said no when she asked? They were all questions she asked herself over
and over again. But time was running out and at least she knew why she was
asking him…wasn’t that enough?
Maybe it would’ve been, if people didn’t get involved in other’s
business.
She hesitated. She had every opportunity to ask him and she let it
pass. That was it. There he went walking back to his classroom and she was
too busy beating herself up about being such a coward.
“Why don’t you just ask him?” Jill, the hall monitor said it. Delilah
had been saying this for weeks but it wasn’t until Charlie heard someone else
say it, that she decided she could do it.
Lusondra Artis
24
“Maddox?” She called down the hall.
“What?” he yelled as he was pushing the classroom door open. He
pulled it shut and ran toward her.
“What do you want? I was about to go back to class!”
“Why don’t you just come to the dance with us? I mean, you’re
gonna hangout with us anyway and it seems pretty pointless if you only come
after…it’s gonna be late so you should just come.” She held her breath.
“Yea sure sounds good.”
“Okay good. You don’t have to if you don’t want to but I just
thought it would be easier.”
“No, yea I’ll come.”
She didn’t know what to say. All she could do was try to hide her
enthusiasm. Who was she kidding? She was ecstatic.
“So you’re going to the dance with Maddox huh?” It was an
unexpected question. How do people know that already?
“Yea, why? How’d you know?”
“Oh, nothing. He told me, he was really excited. He said he was
going with you guys and I got confused. I thought Delilah was going with her
boyfriend?”
“Yea, he’s coming too.” Where are you going with this?
“Oh that’s what I thought; Maddox thought he was going with both
of you. But really he’s going with you?”
“Well yea but we’re all going together so he’s going with us.”
“Oh.”
This was the beginning of the end. Things had spiraled out of control
and Charlie couldn’t see it coming before it hit. Simon decided it was a good
idea to tell Maddox that what he thought was an innocent get together
between friends was actually a date. Charlie still hates Simon for this.
Maddox had been excited and then just as quickly as his excitement had
raised, it was stifled by ignorance.
The next day everything seemed to be fine between them but she
hadn’t seen him much either. Charlie was sitting on the lawn in front of the
school with her friends when Aden joined her group. She had been
discussing plans for the dance, when her friend mentioned who she was
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
25
going with and Aden responded with, “Maddox? Maddox, who?” His look
was one of confusion and his tone was nothing so pleasant. She took a deep
breath, not knowing what to expect.
“You’re brother, Maddox. He didn’t tell you?”
“No, we don’t really talk. So why are you going with him? He’s an
idiot. I hate my brother. He’s a hick and an asshole. Why would you go with
him?” That last question he practically screamed at her.
She couldn’t believe what he was saying. It never occurred to her that
they didn’t get along since they worked so closely together in the theater.
Aden had always been so nice since she met him and until that
moment she never felt threatened by him. He continued on his tirade and
she felt as if he was continuously stabbing her in the heart.
“He is not interesting at all.” His voice had risen and he had a look of
pure disgust as he stared at her judging her. He finished yelling and then he
stood up and walked away as if nothing had happened.
Charlie walked into the building in a daze thinking over the things
Aden had just said and then involuntarily she began to cry. He had made her
feel so horrible about herself and she couldn’t understand why he had been
so offended with her choice to go with Maddox. He was her friend and she
wanted to guarantee she would have fun and he had a way of making her feel
happy but Aden had crushed that for her. But she wasn’t going to let him
ruin this for her.
Charlie walked through the empty hall toward her classroom finally
calm. Then around the corner walked Aden. She avoided his eyes and felt the
tears welling in the back of her eyes but she kept herself under control. When
he noticed her he caught her eye and offered peace.
“I hope you have a good time tomorrow”
“Sure.” She hoped her empty response would spark something in
him.
“What’s the matter?”
“You don’t really want me to have a good time do you? You made
me feel horrible when you said those things about Maddox today. I asked
him because he’s my friend and because I didn’t want to go alone.” She
couldn’t help it; the tears had broken though to the surface and were slowly
working down her face. Aden looked horror-stuck. He felt terrible. He knew
he probably shouldn’t have said the things he said but he never meant for her
to take them in such a way.
Lusondra Artis
26
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you but it’s just that I can’t
understand why anyone as interesting as you could find someone like my
brother interesting? I’m so sorry I really didn’t mean it and I do hope you
have a great time.” He held her for a moment to let her know he meant it
and then he smiled his charming smile and asked her if she was going to be
all right. Pleased with her response he said goodbye and continued to his
destination. After that day things were never the same between the two and
Charlie never understood what she had done to the Montgomery boys to
make them resent her.
***
It should have been a sign. It should have told her something but
instead she let it go, something that wasn’t so easy for her, but it stays
engrained in her mind even after he was gone.
“What are you in love with my brother?” He said it in a joking tone
but she knew there was something else behind the words. But what?
Truly it had come out of nowhere. The events before and after are
hazy, but Charlie has reflected on the conversation, that began to foreshadow
the inevitable demise of her relationship with Maddox, many times.
They were standing in the hall outside the theater during a rehearsal.
Aden and Charlie were talking and joking around like they always did back
then. She said something about Maddox, her new interest and Aden noticed.
“What are you in love with my brother?”
“No, what are you talking about?”
“You two are inseparable. Are you going to get married?”
Aden was the first person to question the newly and quickly formed
relationship between them and it took Charlie by surprise. Why does he care
so much? Why is he getting so bent out of shape?
“No, any way Montgomery doesn’t go well with my last name so it
would never work.” Although she said it lightly she could feel the heat
entering skin, creeping at the peak of her neck.
“Well then I guess we’ll have to change our name then.” That was it.
It ended with laughter from all who was involved but it was not an innocent
conversation, which would become all too clear as their relationship grew
and fell apart. And it always fell apart. Aden went off to college and things
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
27
became more and more distance between him and Charlie, and although it
bothered her, it never had the same impact on the gaping distance between
her and Maddox.
***
Of course it wasn’t the only sign that things would go wrong. Charlie always
felt there was something different about their relationship. She couldn’t put
her finger on it. Was it the fact that she was so ambivalent about her true
feelings for the middle Montgomery child or was it the fact that she always
felt the accusations and rumors before they materialized? Had she in some
way caused these things to be? It was something that haunted her everyday
until it no longer had the control to make her suffer.
Lusondra Artis
28
NEUF
The beauty is that I will never love anyone the way I loved you
I’d rather die
A horrible long lasting death
Than love anyone with the same pain filled heart that I did with you
The dance was a disaster! There was crying, cell phone solitaire, and
avoidance…more crying, more solitaire, and more avoidance. Charlie sat
alone in a dress that made her feel beautiful for once, playing solitaire with
tear filled eyes. She could hardly see the screen and was getting ready for
another crying session, when Maddox walked in from the dance hall.
“Who are talking to?”
“No one”, she replied as she quickly closed the phone before he
could see the game.
“Are you having a good time?”
She hesitated, “Yea.” Her answer was flat with an obvious hint of
sarcasm. The look on his face confirmed he knew she wasn’t happy.
“Are you having a good time?” She didn’t really want to know.
“Yea.” He smiled as he said it, tearing her in two.
He really was having a good time, without her. Charlie had never felt
such pain; and to be caused by someone she cared so much for, made it
unbearable. He left her then where she began wondering why she had not
listened to her instincts and gone alone, since she was alone in the end
anyway.
Charlie was convinced after everything that had happened over the
last week she should’ve known the night was doomed from the beginning.
When she called him earlier that day he sounded different,
uninterested. Kind of like he was dreading it and going against her better
judgment she didn’t tell him he didn’t have to go. Thinking it over again she
realized it could’ve saved their friendship.
The following Monday at school they didn’t talk at all. Whenever he
could, Maddox made sure he avoided her until it was time to go to the
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
29
theater. He knew it was inevitable that he’d see her and he decided he
wouldn’t mention anything about the dance.
Charlie thought about the dance all day. She was furious. It was true
he had been tired but that didn’t give him an excuse to ignore her especially
since he spent the entire time with her friends while she sat alone and cried.
Everyone knew they were there “together” and they all were coming up with
their own theories of what had happened between them. She knew many of
them thought they had had a “lover’s spat” and she couldn’t bear to think of
the wild stories that had been concocted at her expense. Why are people so
involved in my life?
Things continued to worsen between them, making everyday
interaction a burden for them both. Charlie felt like she was treading on thin
ice every time she spoke a word to Maddox and it always seemed as if
anything she said made him angry or annoyed. Summer would only bring
more hardships and more accusations.
Lusondra Artis
30
DIX
But us two
We can’t deal with you
And us three
Weren’t meant to be
But us two
We constantly cry over you
And you couldn’t see it
No you wouldn’t see it
The summer of 2005 came and went leaving nothing but a faded trail.
By its end, Charlie was left alone and confused. She was losing her best
friend, only to find out later that he was going to become very close to a
mutual friend of hers.
Page was going to enter Oaks High as a freshman in the fall. Charlie
and she had spent the entire summer discussing one subject: Maddox. The
three had worked together building sets for a production more or less in
harmony (using the word rather lightly). There was never a dull moment
between them. Either Maddox was fighting with one or both of them or he
was avoiding Charlie every chance he got, but unlucky for him he was always
paired with one or the other girl when they worked.
In those few months, drastic changes occurred. Even Maddox was
changing and the Delilah, Charlie and Page were the first to notice. He was
finally growing into him self; capturing the attention of the opposite sex.
Charlie and Delilah were surprised by the transformation having trouble
seeing Maddox as anything more than a brotherly figure but Page was
mesmerized by it.
Page and Maddox had met briefly working together previous years
but she had never had the kind of relationship Charlie and he had recently
shared, until Summer was beginning his slow descent.
The two talked for hours every night the few weeks before school
started, sharing their deep secrets; getting to know each other bit by bit.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
31
There was a mutual attraction that neither would discover until it was
too late. Page was slowly falling in love with the fascinating boy down by the
Bayou and Maddox was discovering his soul mate with every conversation.
Everything seemed to be moving in the right direction until school started.
Confusion was flying everywhere. Both Page and Charlie’s
relationships with Maddox, were taking very different routes. Summer hadn’t
taken too hard of a toll on their relationship yet, Charlie expected it was only
a matter of time before Maddox and she would stop speaking completely.
The awkward moments between them became second nature. Charlie was at
a constant state of awareness when they’d converse or when he was even in
the same vicinity but Maddox was sure to keep his distance.
Page was becoming confused as well, not knowing what to expect of
her new found relationship and feelings for Maddox. Charlie soon became
her confidant, creating a mixed up web of emotion for all involved. Page and
Charlie shared their feelings for him daily. They were both torn to bits by
him because he never ceased to disappoint them. Their sleepless nights and
enraged poetry writings were just the beginning of the two year catastrophe
that was yet to come. Both girls were hooked like a fish on a line and
Maddox hadn’t a clue as to how to let go.
Lusondra Artis
32
ONZE
My Hell is your domain
You have supremacy over my thoughts
My actions,
My feelings
Consistently things began to worsen between them. Summer had
caused more tension with each passing day as they worked together, but
ironically Charlie had become as close as family with the rest of the
Montgomery’s.
It was 2 am. She hadn’t slept much. She kept hearing one of the cats
scratching outside the bedroom door. She was the only one in the house not
sleeping and she was well aware of it. The silence was agonizing. She tried to
sleep but all she could think about was him sleeping only feet from her
across the hall. It was her first time sleeping there and she had woken up
every few hours. She was in shock. Page and she had fantasized about the
day they would stay at the Montgomery house but she never actually
expected it to happen so when she was getting ready to call it a night she
called Page to tell her where she was. She left her a message expressing her
excitement and then went off to bed, having no clue that a night would turn
into two and three beds and two couches would become very familiar in the
months to come.
The Montgomery’s home was as beautiful inside as it was out.
Though, unlike their neighbors, their home was very simplistic; giving it a
homier feel. The entire bottom floor was essentially one big room excluding
the dining and sitting rooms extending off the Foyer. The kitchen and family
room where separated only by furniture. There were no walls dividing them
from one another. It gave the feel that the entire family was together even
when they weren’t in the same room. Charlie loved that house and the
people who lived there. She had grown accustom to spending hours at the
Montgomery’s; getting to know each of them inside and out. She had spent
over two years dining, sleeping and playing in that house. She no longer felt
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
33
at home anywhere else. As far as she was concerned, it was her home. She
would have stayed there forever, until that summer morning, when she
wasn’t sure if she wanted to return again.
***
Unless she was heading toward it, there was no reason for Charlie to pass the
Montgomery’s plantation. It was in the north part of town close to the edge
of the Bayou. Mr. Montgomery always liked the idea of living on a stretch of
land suitable for animals. They had a small farm-like area rested just east of
the home hidden by the boughs of the beautiful oak trees hung with Spanish
moss that lined the property.
Since the house was out of her way, Charlie thought there would be
no problem avoiding it, but strangely enough it called to her late at night
while she lay sleeplessly and during odd hours of the day when her mind had
time to escape to her haven. She knew it was only a matter of time before she
had to return. She loved that house not only for its homeliness but also
because of its inhabitants. Just like many times before she knew she would
fail her attempt to evade them. She knew it was only a matter of time.
After many attempts to avoid them she couldn’t help her self. The
Montgomery’s were apart of her life but she started to realize that the closer
she felt to his family the further he seemed to push her away.
Lusondra Artis
34
DOUZE
Every moment with you is as good as the first and as bad as the last.
He kept driving deeper and deeper into Bayou country until he
couldn’t drive any longer. They both said nothing. She was waiting for him to
break the silence but when he didn’t she just turned out the window and
daydreamed. The road ended abruptly when they reached a wall of Cyprus
and Willows draped with Spanish moss. They could go no further. He turned
of the engine and hopped out leaving her alone. Before she even had the
chance to notice him leave he disappeared behind the curtain of trees and
moss out of her sight. She forced open the passenger’s door and leaped from
her seat. She ran through the moss letting it cling to her long brown hair.
The bayou is a dark place. Some places seems like the sun has never touched.
Behind the adornment the sun faded and she could only see a few feet in
front of her. She was scared and she knew she couldn’t turn back. They had
been driving for hours and had come far past the main road and he had
taken the keys when he left the truck. She knew sooner or later there would
be no sunlight at all and the cold night would creep in; unleashing all types of
creatures. She had to find him.
***
He was running, running so fast and so long it seemed he’d been
running for hours. He knew now he was deep in the crevices of the bayou.
Luckily he knew it well. It had been his backyard and his second home since
he was old enough to walk. His father would take him in deep to catch
crawfish. When he had nowhere else to turn it was his sanctuary. And right
now he needed her the most.
He knew Charlie would come searching for him but he also knew she
wouldn’t get far. He’d have better luck finding her, than she ever would of
finding him. He knew her well, although he’d never let it on. He knew exactly
where he’d find her.
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
35
***
She was tired of walking. She heard no sign of him, only the bullfrogs
and she was beginning to lose hope when she saw something shimmering in
the distance. In the clearing of the thick vegetation, the Sun found his way
onto the glinting object, making it dance. At first she had no idea what it was
but as she closed in, she noticed it looked like a statue, but what would a
statue be doing out in the middle of the bayou?
As she drew nearer, she realized it was a statue of a beautiful womanlike
creature. Charlie knew it was no ordinary woman by looking at her
features. She had the body and grace of a woman but her eyes were those of
something animal-like. She couldn’t put her finger on which. Next to her
were decrepit pieces of what was left of a house of some sort; the stone
pillars. They were draped in what were once rich colored silk; now rags. She
knew this place. It was the pagoda on the far edge of the old Guttmann farm.
Her mother had pretended to marry her father there as a child. The entire
estate was taken by a huge fire. All that was left was rubble. No one stepped
anywhere near the plantation since they were scared to be possessed by the
souls of the Guttmann’s themselves. Every member of the Guttmann family
died that night, the Guttmann’s, all eleven daughters and their eldest, their
only son Michael. People say he still guards the grounds waiting for his one
true love to show up. Charlie hadn’t believed the tale since she was a little girl
but when she stepped toward the statue and the pillars she felt a presence she
could not explain.
Lusondra Artis
36
TREIZE
Wake me from my nightmare
It was around 8 o’ clock and the sun was setting in distance. Maddox
found her lying under the shield of a fire ridden silk drape. She looked so
peaceful and serene so he sat by her leaving her to her dreams.
She didn’t wake for a long time, so Maddox just slipped into thought,
in no hurry to return home. It was beginning to get dark and the slivers of
sky he could see through the bayou’s ceiling where fading from pale oranges
to deep, rich reds. Night would fall upon them quickly.
She woke startled by her vision. She had had a series of dreams but
the last was nothing so comforting. She had seen Michael. He looked like he
had in the pictures her mother kept from her childhood. They had been very
close friends. It was Michael who had introduced Charlie’s father to her
when they were only kids.
Mrs. Guttmann was only thirteen when she had Michael; he was
twenty-two when he died. He was half Creole, half Cajun and was blessed
with his mother’s coffee complexion, Amber eyes, and honey colored hair.
Every woman wanted him but he was waiting for her; his one and only, but
she never came.
Charlie’s dream was of love lost, but unknown to her it was a vision
of the past. Michael had found his true love but he was never to have that
love returned. It was a sad case on unrequited love and he just happened to
be sweet on Charlie’s mother. He hated himself because he had helped her
find the man she would spend her life with and it wasn’t him. He died never
able to tell her how he felt and just a year later she married the love of her
life, Charlie’s father.
Charlie understood Michael’s pain more than anyone. She was
waiting for something she knew would never come. When she lifted her
body from the cool ground she was surprised to see Maddox sitting next to
her. He had been in deep thought when she rose, startling him as she
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
37
suddenly letting out a slight scream out of confusion from her disoriented
state.
He looked at her, truly looked at her then. Although he had seen her
when she had first woken many times he was surprised now by the glow of
her skin in the dim moonlight seeping through the arms of the willows. He
couldn’t take his eyes off her and soon she was crying at the sight of him and
Watching her there he let his guard down and pulled her near so she could
nestle where she so perfectly fit just hours before. He loved her. He knew it
now but there was nothing that could be done.
Lusondra Artis
38
QUATORZE
There were words never said
Feelings never expressed
And actions never taken.
There were plenty of tears
And sleepless nights
And moments left unnoticed
But I noticed
It was a Saturday in May of 2007. Page and Maddox were driving in
his truck in full conversation. It was the first time they had been alone
together outside of school since their friendship began years before. It had
started off awkwardly but by the end of the day they knew more about each
other than most knew in a year.
Page got home and called Charlie ecstatic. They had actually been
able to spend a day together alone without any outside drama. Oh, what
Charlie would give for one day undisturbed? Page gave all the details
thoroughly as usual. Charlie loved that; it made he feel as if she was right
there. Page was her way of knowing him. Not that she didn’t know enough
already but Page was able to confirm all the theories Charlie had logged away.
One particular conversation Page and Maddox shared that day caught her
attention.
“So, why aren’t you going to help with the fundraisers anymore?” She
asked.
He answered quickly needing no time to think it over.
“Because I don’t want to deal with the bullshit that comes along with
it.”
“I know exactly what you mean. I’m sick of everyone who thinks
they have entitlement. All of my friends are being bitches and I really can’t
take it anymore.”
“So why don’t you just leave? Like I did, get up and go and don’t
look back.”
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
39
“It’s not that simple, Maddox.”
“Yes it is. You just walk away.”
“I can’t do that. Sometimes I wish I was more like you so I can just
walk away but I can’t.”
“Yes you can. I don’t deal with drama. I just walk away from it. I
refuse to deal with it so I don’t. You don’t have to, it’s simple, just walk
away.”
“I just can’t.”
It was something Charlie had already known about him but it made it
harder for her to hear that he had actually said it. She couldn’t understand
how he could just walk away from things. How happy he must be not to
have to deal with unnecessary feelings, emotions; he just walked away, but
she had sat there dwelling for over two years and he wasn’t fazed by it at all.
All she could think was that he was losing a lot every time he walked away
but then she realized she lost even more every moment she stayed.
Lusondra Artis
40
QUINZE
You’re murdering me slowly
And the pain has become
So numbing that for a while
I didn’t notice it was there
I didn’t realize you were
Killing me for so long
But I still love you so
Please, make it stop
It is May 14, 2007 and she knows she has less than two months to
finish this, even though his relationship with Lorraine is surprisingly in full
swing. She has been dreading it since the first time she decided she had to
address the problem. In July she would be heading off to school and she
needed some answers. She was scared. Scared of letting go and scared of
what was to come. She had no idea what to do or what to expect. She was
hoping for the best, hoping that the words would come when the time was
right. But there never is a right time for change. It comes and goes as it
pleases like an uninvited guest. There was a lot at stake, of which, she was
well aware but her determination to make him see never wavered. She was
ready to do whatever it took, even if it killed her. She had every intention of
telling him everything she felt and then she would be ready to walk away
moving on probably not fazing him at all. But in reality she wasn’t doing this
for him. She was doing this for herself. She needed closure and she knew he
wouldn’t care either way. For all she knew, once she started speaking he
would freak out and walk away making it easier for her to let go because she
would know he doesn’t care. She thought of all the pages she had
documented, so she would not suffocate from the pain. She had written
down all the emotions, all the words she had left unsaid and yet she was
unable to find words to say all those nights she stood in front of his room
preparing to confess everything to him. She had explained all her emotions
and asked all her questions only to have them left unanswered on a page
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
41
leaving her feeling worse than before. She no longer wanted unanswered
questions. She no longer wanted crying fits and the ambiguous relationship
they “shared”, so she was going to tell him exactly how she felt about the
way he treated her and the pain she had felt throughout their relationship.
She was going to ask him why he had ignored her and why they had become
distant and why he had no intention of making things better and she might
have even quoted herself to him so she could make him see but by the end
on that July morning in 2007, the words never left her lips and she left him
with only three.
Lusondra Artis
42
SEIZE
I didn't like...
It when you said I had nothing to say
I have everything to say to you
I want to pour my soul into your hands
And have you hold me there
I want to hear your voice
And have your confidence
But you won't
I don't think I ask for much
You hurt me yet I return
I need to be with you
I need to have you near
I want to love you
To have you as my friend
To hear your name
But I hate it when I think of you all the time
See you when you enter a room
Love you 'til my heart breaks down
And tries to heal each time
I love you
Love me too!
History always repeats it’s self.
“Can you please turn down your music? I have something to
say! Will you listen to me?” He gave her a look of disdain; something
she had never seen him project at her.
“I have it up this high for a reason. I don’t want to hear it.
You never have anything important to say so most of the time I don’t
even listen. I just tune you out.”
“Fine, forget it.”
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
43
Dear Diary,
I don’t understand why I let you treat me this way. Yes, I love you but I can’t let this
abuse continue. I need to realize that if you cared you wouldn’t hurt me intentionally and
although I’d like to believe you don’t know what you are doing it has become fairly
obvious that this is not the case. You and I need to talk but there is nothing that I can say
to you to convey the pain I feel. I hate having to try to please you or make sure you’re
comfortable. What about me? Don’t you care at all? How many times have I asked that
stupid question? It is never healthy to let yourself get walked all over and I go through it
everyday with you. I want more than anything to be your friend but I can see now that
you and I are not able to achieve in such a task.
Green Inspiration
“Why do you stare at me like that in your green hoody?
Why do I need a dose of you each day?
Green, I see it and I think of you
I see anything and I see you
Your small greenish-brown eyes really can burn.
Walk with me down that bare hallway with the green already stained rug.
Keep blasting your music and ignore me
I don’t care.
I don’t mind watching you leave reading those three letters on your (green) backpack.
UGH, that black hat!
It’s so dirty like you yet I love it like I love you.
Snatch it and want to hold it forever but like usual and to no surprise
You won’t let me!
How is it we manage to make eye contact?
I swear you start it and I yearn to end it.
The red Skittle sparkling on the green rug
I hate you!
I can’t ignore you!”
The next day she tried to avoid his gaze and any steps he took to talk
to her. It was the first time in a long time he had initiated the conversation
and yesterday was the first time he had ever openly hurt her. She was
confused. He had finally showed her the emotions she had suspected from
him all along. But it was the first time he had ever treated or spoken to her
that way and that day in July would be the last.
***
Lusondra Artis
44
He pulled away from her and retreated to one of the stone pillars,
where he sat staring into the distance. He was curled against it almost as if he
was nursing a wound, being careful not to look up at her. She wiped the tears
that had silently been sliding down her face and then waited for him to make
a move.
“What do we do now?” His voice startled her. They had been sitting
for almost and hour listening to the bullfrogs and he hadn’t moved once. She
could hear the traces of anger lingering on the edges of the words and she
was scared to hear what he had to say.
“What do you mean? We can go home now if you want.”
“No, I mean where do we go from here? You’ve just told me you
love me and you want nothing more than to be my friend, but I can’t accept
that.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I don’t want to be your friend. I can’t. I won’t. Face it, we haven’t
been friends in two years and you’ve known it all along. You’ve just been
sitting around waiting for me to tell you. So here’s the truth: the only reason
we even talk is because we have to. You’re always there. Did you ever think
that I didn’t want you there? I can’t stand coming home and seeing you
because I am constantly reminded of the times we were actually friend but I
haven’t felt that way in a long time. We are never going to be friends it’s too
hard. As far as I’m concerned there is nothing between us beside my family
and I hate that. I hate every awkward moment and every meaningless
conversation and the fact that everyone knows it’s awkward between us. I
hate the fact that you’re “friends” with my sister and knowing that I can
never be anything to you but a ghost, a memory. I’m sick of walking on
eggshells so you don’t get upset and think that I hate you. I can’t do this
anymore. I can’t pretend I’m okay with this. I don’t want you in my life
anymore. I don’t want anything to do with you because it’s too hard. I refuse
to face this. Ever since we became friends everything and everyone has tried
to ruin it and I can’t take back my mistakes and every time I see you I’m
reminded of them. I hate the fact that I listened to other people and let them
get in my way but there is nothing I can do about that now. We’re done. Just
leave. Go off to school and make something out of yourself and don’t come
back. It’s better for both of us. You don’t need me and I surely don’t need
you.”
Broken Memories and Long Lost Truths
45
He lied there in the same fetal like position as he spoke, not bringing
his gaze to her until his final words: you don’t need me and I surely don’t need
you. She said nothing and she showed no emotion. No tears came, no
questions, no words in her defense. She was quiet and still. He got up
realizing there was nothing more to be said and led her through the darkness
back to the truck. He backed away from the Bayou and drove the long lonely
road home rolling over the words he had just said in his mind. You don’t need
me and I surely don’t need you.
She sat next to him thinking of all the moments she shared with the
Montgomery’s and stored them away in the far corners of her mind. She had
every intention of doing exactly what he said. She was going to leave and
never look back. It was over and she no longer needed to find answers. He
had answered them and she finally knew how he really felt and as much as
she wanted to be angry that they had felt the same way all along but she
never said a word. She wanted to hate him as much as she felt he hated her
but she loved him too strongly.
After his final words they never spoke to each other again. Charlie
saw the deer run out in front of them but by the time Maddox swerved the
truck to get out of the way. The oncoming trailer hit them head on. Charlie’s
last moments on this earth were spent with the one person she loved most.
As they were face to face with the trailer, Maddox grabbed her hand and
never let go. They were found holding hands when the ambulance arrived.
The man in the trailer didn’t see them coming around the bend until it was
too late and after he saw the Chevy flip twice and land in the ditch on the
side of the road he ran to see if they were alright. They died together on
impact. The deer was long gone before they even hit the trailer.
From the beginning of their relationship, their lives were taken out of
their hands and put under the control. They were usurped by the actions of
others, right down to the end. It was as if the only reason either were living
was for the other and they could not leave this earth until they both realized
each other’s worth. Charlie and Maddox just needed to tell each other the
truth about their feelings and then life brought no other purpose. They died
together that warm summer day, forced to spend eternity at each other’s side.