He will lead us back. :)

There are times when anxiety and loneliness fills our hearts and minds. Sometimes, we often feel so alone when we had the choice to become happy. Life is so wonderful. We have our family, friends and special persons in life. Release all the childhood actions and face the future with open arms. Always remember, HE loves us. HE wants us to be happy. He will never leave us. Trials are given to make us stronger. HE is always watching over us. HE wants us to become full-armored sons and daughters. Remember his agony on the Garden of Eden where he have felt all the pain and take on his back all the sins of the world. HE is really the SON of GOD who came down from his Father to fulfill the greatest PLAN here on earth. When adversaries are along our way, let us find strength in HIM. When we feel so distressed with what’s happening in the world, let HIS WORDS be our comforter. At times when the world turns its back on us, always remember, HE WILL NEVER TURN HIS BACK ON US. (-_-)

Journal Entry. Sigh! March 19,2011

Time flies so fast. (-.-) In few weeks, second semester would end. (-.-) I am really having fun staying with my friends and jamming with them. We had a wonderful day cracking out our jokes, stories and new issues. (-.-) I will surely miss them on summer. (0.o) Somehow, I feel a lot better on handling bitter situations like hearing news about them and the heartaches that I had before. I know there’s a better plan ahead. (-.-) Though, I am still longing for him. I know it’s not right. (-.-) April is getting near. I’ll be celebrating my 19^th birthday on the 19^th day of April. (o.o) I just feel so excited. (-.-) I received a letter from Elder Fernandez. (-.-) It was good reading a letter from him. Anyway, I’m almost over him. Though, there are times when I really feel so bad on letting him go. (-.-)Since he’s gone already, I have to face the future and prepare myself on what will come along my way. I am preparing myself on serving a full-time mission for 18 months. That’s my top priority. (>.<) But I’m not closing the doors of Temple Marriage. (-.-) Let’s see! (-.-) I don’t want to jump in conclusion yet.

VIDEO UPLOADS.. :)

CRY:)



WHEREVER YOU WILL GO:)



HOW FIRM A FOUNDATION- VILLASIS BRANCH:)



PRECIOUS SAVIOR, DEAR REDEEMER- VILLASIS BRANCH:)

Moving-On (-.-)

Suddenly, I began reviewing my life. I have this dreadful feeling that the worst is yet to come if I'll let this feeling reign. He's really gone in my arms. I tried to hold back in sob but tears began to fell down freely. :'( I can't turn back time. It's too late. I should be paying more attention to myself and just move on. (-.-)

As I was evaluating myself for the past days, I realized something that made me feel this way. Sigh. (-.-) I have to admit, It was my fault. I never gave him any chance. I thought I'm almost over him. (T.T) They told me, I must be thankful, but why am I feeling this way. I feel so sorry for myself, for letting him go, for just ignoring him before. When he's around, I am discreet. When he offer something, I always refuse. I can't understand myself. I can never win him back.

If only, If only, If only. Would I feel bitter? I've been trapped into anxiety and agony. I almost thought it would be a fairytale in reality. :( I have endured in silence showing the world I'm fine. Until when? I can't confide to anyone.Telling me not to feel the way I feel isn't a lot of help. Maybe things wouldn't have happened in exactly the same way. (-.-)

For HIM, I am sorry. I know I shouldn't be doing these things already. I can't help myself. This is the only way in suppressing my emotions. :( Soon, I'll feel better. (-.-) 

Pag wala ka ng magagawa. (T.T)

Sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung paano ko haharapin ang bukas. Kahapon, nagsisisi ako. Bakit ba kasi kailangan ko pang magtapangtapangan? Nanghihina na talaga. feeling ko pinabagsakan ako ng langit at lupa kahapon. Sana hindi ko nalang nalaaman na ganun pala yun. bakit ngayon pa unti-unting narereveal sa akin. Ngayon pang wala ng pag-asa na maisakatuparan pa. Huli na ang lahat. Mas lalo lang sumasama ang loob ko. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba na maging ganito ako. Bitter na Bitter na ako. Ayaw kong umabot pa sa panahon na baka makasakit ako ng ibang tao. Sana naman hindi. Andami kong gustong gawin. Gusto kong makalimutan lahat lahat. Di ko na mapigilan pero talagang eto na ako. Mahinang mahina. Umaasa na lang sa ibang tao. Sana malagpasan ko ito. Nakakatakot na baka hindi ko macontrol at bumigay nalang din ako. Wala na akong magagawa eh. Bakit ngayon ko lang nalaman lahat. Akala ko ba gusto nya akong pakasalan. Bakit hindi siya nakapaghintay? Bakit siya biglang nawala? at pinakamasakit para sa akin, Bakit hindi nya muna niliwanag lahat sa akin para naintindihan ko kung bakit ba talaga hindi nagwork-out? Diba? Hays, BAHALA NALANG!

Journal Entry: Long Lost Drama. (-_-)

February 16, 2011

I am now listening to the 2011 mutual theme songs. I was encouraged to endure by my friends and just go on with my life. Honestly, I’m having hard time forgetting the things that had happened few months ago. Though, I know I could make it. I am just making myself believe that I am strong enough to carry all the pain. I felt I was betrayed by my feelings. Regrets overpowered my pride. (-_-) Now, how could he say sorry if he doesn’t know how I feel?

Alam kong mali din naman ako eh. Masyado kong sinanay ang sarili ko na maging matapang kahit na ang totoo lubog na lubog na ko sa sakit at paghihirap. Natatakot ako na baka biglang dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Masama bang maging kakampi mo ang sarili mo sa mga panahong alam mong walang makakaintindi sayo? Siguro nga unfair ako kasi masyado na kong nagiging mapagpanggap na masaya ako kahit na ang totoo, gusto ko nang mag-give-up. (-_-) Heto na naman ako, nagpapaapekto sa mga nangyayari sa mundo. Buwan na din ang nakalipas pero hindi pa rin ako makamove-on. Ano ba talaga? Pwede bang ilabas ko na lahat ng sama ng loob ko dito?

Ano bang magiging reaction mo kapag yung taong akala mong sagot sa lahat ng katanungan mo eh nawala din na parang bula. Hindi man lang nagpaliwanag o ano. Hindi mo nga din alam kung bakit bigla na lang parang napunta sa emergency room at nawalan ng malay. Hanggang ngayon yun padin naman ang kinakasama ng loob ko eh. Alam kong may kasalanan talaga ako. Masyado akong umasa sa feeling nya at sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Kung meron mang isang bagay na alam kong pagkakamali ko talaga, hindi ko pinakita kung ano yung talagang nararamdaman ko. Masyado akong naging immature. Nasanay kasi ako na ako ang laging sinusuyo. Nasanay ako na ako ang laging sentro ng attention. Hindi ko naman inakala na ganun lang pala yun kadali sa kanya. Kapag sinabi kong ‘hindi o ayaw ko’ hanggang dun nalang yun. Hindi na siya magdadalawang isip pa na magsalita pa ulit. Sa pananaw ng ibang tao, ako ang mali. Ako ang nagrefuse sa mga dates, sa mga pagseseryoso nya o ano man yan. Pero kung alam lang nila ang totoo. I doubt! Isang malaking katanungan pa din sa akin hanggang ngayon, bakit hindi nya muna niliwanag kung ano ba talaga ang meron sa amin bago siya naghanap ng iba. Bakit sa ibang tao nya sinasabi ang totoo nyang dahilan. Ako ang may kailangan ng kasagutan. Hindi sila. Sana pagkatapos nito, matapos na lahat. Kung iisipin, madami na kong luha na naiiyak. Madami na din akong tao na naabala lalo na sa mga panahong wala akong matakbuhan.

Hindi lang ito minsan nangyari sa buhay ko. Maalala mo nung dumating sa buhay ko si Ace? Ano bang nangyari? Magulo din diba? Mas magulo pa sa kung ano ang meron ngayon. Pero, bata pa ako noon. Akala ko dadating din ang panahon na magiging mature na ako. Ano na ba? Hindi pa din ba? Painful memories holds my heart. Hanggang kailan ako aasa na may taong dadating para samahan ako. Hanggang kailan ko didibdibin lahat ng hinanakit ko sa mundo. Pagod na din ako.

Nung si JL, ano ba ang nagyari? Akala ko happy ever after na, Masaya naman sa umpisa eh. Andaming plano para sa future. Magmimission muna, mag-aaral, tapos saka bubuo ng isang masayang pamilya. Hindi din nagtagal bigla nalang nakalimot sa mga pangako. Bigla na lang din nagbago ang ikot ng mundo. Sino ba ang mas nasaktan? Ako diba? Dahil kahit may pagkakataon akong maghanap ng iba, hindi ko ginawa. Pinipilit kong punuin ang pagkukulang niya. Pinilit kong tanggapin siya kahit na alam kong hindi siya ang taong sumasakto sa mga pangarap ko. Sa huli, ako pa din an gang luhaan. Hanggang ngayon alam kong ako pa din ang talo sa larong ito. Taon na ang lumipas pero hindi pa din ako makalimot sa sakit na naidulot ng kahapon. Pati mga taong wala namang kasalanan nasaktan ko. Pati mga taong gusto lang naman akong damayan, napabayaan ko. Nawala pati pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko dahil sa akala ko na babalik pa din siya para tuparin bawat pangakong binitiwan nya. Eh, nasanay akong lahat ng pinangako sa akin, dumadating. Akala ko ang buhay parang fairytale lang. Dadating ang panahon na maisasakatuparan din ang pangako nya. Ano naman ba ang napala ko? Wala na naman diba? Buwan, taon, madaming nasayang na panahaon. May pangako bang natupad? Wala talaga eh. Bakit ba kasi ako umaasa? Eh wala na nga talaga diba. (-_-)

Pinilit kong pangitiin ang sarili ko. Oh ayan, dumating nga si BL. Pero hanggang saan? Bigla din naming nakalimot ang taong yun eh. Wala ngang dahilan. Kami pa nga ba? O ano nga ba talaga? Alam ko naman para sa kanya wala na lang lahat ng yon. Para sa kanya, isang panaginip lang lahat ng yun na kapag nagising ka, yun na yun. Walang katotohanan. Pero gayunpaman, tinatanggap ko naman yun sa sarili ko. Oo, nasa mission field nga sya ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung dapat pa bang ungkatin ang nakaraan naming o hayaan ko na lang at ibaon nalang sa mga masasaklap na ala-ala ng buhay. Hindi naman ako nadearjane eh. Mas malala pa dun ang naramdaman ko kasi wala naman siyang sinabi. Wala naman siyang ipinapaalam. Basta nagising na lang kami isang araw na walang kamalay malay sa kung ano ang meron sa kahapon. Siguro nga ako din naman, kinalimutan ko agad. Akala ko kasi hindi naman talaga ako masasaktan. Taon muna ang lumipas bago ko napagtanto na nasasaktan pa din pala ako sa ginawa nya. Sinasarili ko naman lagi eh. Matapang kasi ako. Pero yun lang ang akala ko. Natatakot lang ako na hindi ko mapakita sa tao na kaya kong labanan lahat ng problema ko. Kaya ayan! Heto ako, dito nalang naglalabas ng sama ng loob. Kakampi naman kita diba? Sana! >. < Lagi nilang sinasabi, dadating din yan. Bata ka pa. Madami ka pang matutunan sa buhay na ito. Madadapa ka pa, pero muli kang tatayo. Kailangan lang talaga na masugatan ka. Pagkatapos nun, magkakaroon ng pekas ang sugat.

Umasa ako na sa simpleng panaginip ko sa isang taong hindi ko naman kilala ay magkakaroon pa ko ng pagkakataon na maging masaya ulit. Sino ba ang hindi magtataka diba? Yung taong yun hindi ko pa nakita sa mga nakalipas na araw bago ang gabi na yun na binisita nya ako sa panaginip ko. Hanggang ngayon naman, hinihintay ko pa din siya. Kung sino man siya, hindi ko alam. (-_-) Meron akong nakita na halos sumakto sa description na binigay ko pagkatapos ng panaginip na iyon. Pero hindi ako sigurado kung bakit parang taliwas ang mundo sa kung ano siya. Siya ang pinakamalapit sa bawat salitang lumabas mula sa aking ala-ala. Naisip ko lang, paano kung siya nga talaga yun? Nakilala ko ang tao na yan pagkatapos ng panaginip ko. Kung siya man, maghihintay ako. (:*)

Kasabay sa panaginip na iyan ang isa na namang character sa buhay ko. Napadaan lang siya, pinakilig lang ang mga tao at pinaasa lang na naman ako. Nagdalawang isip pa ako eh hindi rin naman magiging totoo. Hays! Tignan mo nga naman ang tadhana oh pag ikaw ang napaglaruan. Umpisa lang na naman uli. Nagparamdam tapos biglang, wusshuu! Para na naman bula. Biglang nawawala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Nasanay na ako. Siguro nga. Immature kasi ako. Akala kasi nila hindi ako marunong magseryoso. Eh kasi nga, maingay ako, madaldal, masiyahin at puro tawa lang. (-_-) Sino ba naman ang mag-aakala na ako iiyak? Imposible. EH baka nga habang nababasa ng iba eto eh magtaka pa sila. Teka, si Hannah nga ba ito. Alam kong malamang ganyan ang unang expression ng mukha ng ibang tao. Gayunpaman, ako talaga ito. Ganito kalungkot ang buhay ko. Ganito kadaming palya at sablay ang buhay ko. (T.T)

Ngayon, sino pang magsasabi na perfect na ang buhay ko? Sinong magsasabing bata pa ako? Sinong magsasabing dadating pa siya? Natatakot na talaga ako sa mga pwedeng mangyari. Gusto ko nalang na dumating ang panahon na 21 na ko. Para makapaglingkod nalang ako. Hindi naman dahil yun ang escape ko sa kung ano ang meron sa mundo ko ngayon, pero siguro dahil na din alam kong baka dun man lang eh hindi na ko sumablay. Sana naman! (>.<) Kung dadating man ang taong magbabago ng pananaw ko sa buhay ko ngayon, pasasalamatan ko siya! Kung hindi man, pasasalamatan ko SIYA! :D Hindi pa ito ang kabuuan ng kwento ko. Yan lang ang mga naramdaman ko pagkatapos ng isang chapter hanggang sa natuluyan na at hanggang sa maging trahedya ang katapusan ng bawat pangyayari. Kahit papano nailabas ko na sama ng loob ko. Kahit papano alam kong may mga taong gagawing magstay sa tabi ko kahit na halos talikuran na ko ng mundo. Salamat Kaibigan! >.<

Hindi ko SIYA sinisisi sa mga nangyayari sa akin. Lubos pa din ang pasasalamat ko dahil kahit na nararamdaman kong mahina na ako, pagkatapos ng mga luha may lakas akong natatanggap para bumangon muli at harapin ang bawat araw pang dadaan. Naging matapang ako para makaabot pa sa panahon na ito. SIYA pa din ang lakas ko. SIYA pa din ang pinaniniwalaan ko. Sinusubok nya lang ako. Alam kong dadating pa din ang taong hinanda NIYA para gawing muling masaya at makulay ang buhay ko. Alam kong hindi NYA ako kailanman pinabayaan. Nadapa man ako, inabot nya ang isa nyang kamay para itayo ako. Nadapa man ako ulit sa mga sumunod pang pagkakataon, inabot nyang muli ang kamay nya para tulungan akong muling bumangon mula sa pagkakalugmok. Nais niya akong ihanda sa mas mabibigat pang problema maaring dumating. Hindi ako magpapadala sa kung ano man ang mundo. Mas kilala ko ang sarili ko kaysa sa ibang tao. Alam kong may kahinaan ako, pero pipilitin kong maging malakas para sa kanya. Hindi ko maalis sasarili ko na minsan naisipan ko ding bumigay pero alam kong sapat pa din ang pagmamahal ko para sa kanya. Hindi SIYA nagkulang sa pagpapa-alala na kaya kong harapin ang bukas. Isang bagay pa na natutunan ko, MAGPATAWAD. Kailangan ko yang gawin para maging masaya ulit. Mula sa oras na ito, alam kong punong-puno ako ng pagmamahal galing sa KANYA. Sa lahat ng nasaktan ko, PATAWAD! Sa lahat ng nakasakit sa akin, SALAMAT! Pinalakas niyo ako at hinubog nyo ako para maging mas mabuting tao. (:*)

Journal Entry: Valentine's Day:)

Goodevening! I just got home from Institute Class. (T.T) I don’t know why I feel so upset by this time. I don’t know what’s on the future. (-.-) Yesterday, it’s Valentine’s Day. Ofcourse, I got no date, no chocolate and no flower from someone special. (-.-) I was just wondering why he (follower) greeted me yesterday. We had a little sassy conversation about our plan for the day. Both of us preferred to face the computer rather than our dates. LOL. (-.-) Their wedding is getting near. Mom planned to visit ate next week. She asked me to go with her. If I will, I’ll have the chance to attend their wedding. But, Am I strong enough to witness them on starting their lives together? I’m not. Hays, too bad! Bitterness occupied my mind. I suddenly began reviewing the past. Until now, I don’t know if I did the right decision. I have loads of problem right now. Peer pressure, Heartaches, School papers and so on. Please get me OFF! Anyway, last Wednesday, Career Workshop again with the going home missionaries. Somehow, it was quite good. I have some funny experiences with them. I also had another ‘sassy matchmaking’. I will not mention his name here! I’ll just post it when things go on what they are used to be. (-_-) I’m still waiting if it would really work out. Let’s see. (:*) Going back to the basic, I think I haven’t forgiven him yet. The pain still resides. Hays! Though, I know I’m happy for them. I’m still in the midst of telling myself ‘He’s just another RM to burn’. Hmmmm.. (>.<)

“Maybe not today, Maybe not tomorrow, Maybe for the rest of your life”

Ingrid was really a good character! (-_-) It was some kind of martyrdom. (-_-) I want to talk with follower but I don’t have the guts to do so. (-_-) Somehow, I’m enjoying my classmates company though I know it was quite bad. (-_-) I was hoping for more strength! (:*) Could you please help me? LOL! (T.T) Tears are starting to fall again. I just missed everything about the past. Loud laughter, Cozy Air, Everything! I missed hanging out with my friends!

He's Gone for a year.. :(

Memories Left Remembered

--Hannah Grace Mesde 02/07/2010

Once in my life, there was a somebody

Who came and tried to make me happy

There was this man whom I value much

More than a friend, more than of being my bordx

You proved to me that life is worth living

You taught me how to sing life sucking songs

You showed me how to be good though they’re not

You told me that forever I’ll be your bordx

Now you’re gone, I don’t know if things will be okay

If I’ll be better and if I’ll can

The promises we left for each other

The things we thought we could be someday

It would be painful to accept the reality

But I have to, Just a thing here after

I know a man whom I could call my hero.

I know a man whom I could call my bordx.

Things started to make sense when I realized there’s something wrong

Definitely, that was when I tried to hide the reality

Ever since, I knew it’s not all about love, it’s all about friendship

A friendship worth keeping and worth paying

For that little number of years that we’ve shared

I have lots of memories to be kept

From the first time I saw you at the 3^rd yr’s corridor

Till the last time I saw you without even recognizing me

I still remember how everything had started

And this painful tragedy ended it

When I care for your grades more than mine

Writing your assignments and quizzes

Being with you and having music jam

Sharing your love problems and heartaches

These are just some of the things I missed after High School Days

But time goes on, when we both enter the door of College Life

We knew that we’re the same bordx that had begun

We see each other at the Bahaghari Shop and at Wolmart

It seems nothing has changed

Until one day, I had noticed the distance between us

The friendship is starting to have gaps

I had neglected that I still have my bordx

And you also do.

I missed those times you always bully me

I hate those times that I have to hide the reality to make things better

And lastly, I loved those times you showed me that I am your bordx

You would always be my life’s greatest bordx. (T.T)

Ironic Way of Loving

Ironic Way of Loving

--Hannah Grace Mesde

--March 14, 2009

The pain is still residing inside

My tale is losing its fight

This wouldn’t be a happy ever after

Maybe it’s a real tragedy

It’s a story about you and me

And how our vows break its promise

Even just for once, I’m asking for a chance

To love me again and I’ll do the same thing

You took everything the time you leave

You left nothing but just sorrow and tears

Would it still be happen?

Will my prince in the shining armor will come and rescue me?

And these melancholic thoughts will soon be gone

Everyday in my life, I’ve been looking for bliss

It is either to bewitch or to fascinate

I don’t know, but it will cause too much pain

Bitterness, this is what I’m feeling right now

One day, someday, soon or never

Things are very hard to accept

Memories I may not forget

This could be a dramatic retelling of my classic tale

But I just want to retain my own story

After months of being in misery

I’d learn a lot from my own tragedy

And even the thought of my own song and chant

Why should I blame a man for loving himself better than me?

So let go and move on

Words can’t tell when it will be

Time couldn’t also determine if I can

But for sure, this is my fate

I had no idea of where I am

I had no idea on which direction should I be taking when you left

Regrets had never been a reason because I love you

And I will always do it, not looking for love in return

But just appreciation to earn. (T.T)

ADIEU

Adieu

--Hannah Grace Mesde

I never thought I can love

All I know, I was all alone

Sitting by my painful memories

Crying and shedding those tears

I was thinking all the time

It was never easy

It took long lost truths

More than of what you’re expecting

Is it worth fighting for?

Or I have to leave and find someone better?

For you will be happy yet you’re sinking in tears

Ours is over

Ours is on its peak

Trying to tell myself you’re there

But the real thing is you’re gone

Someday, my broken heart will mend

For a good man is hard to find

And even a princess will be left behind

People change

For now, I am alone

Tomorrow, I’m not

Time will pass us by

Tears and fears will soon be gone

Finding the lost pages. :)

I finally found my July 2010 Journal Entries. (*.*) I thought, they got lost. (-_-) But anyway, February 14 is fast approaching. How about me? Still, Heartless! Chocolateless! Flowerless! As usual! Nothing has changed. I was hoping for a great valentines day but I think I’ll just go on my bed and have a peaceful sleep. I know no one would ask me out. (*_*) I’m pretty sure of that. Hays. I’m not in the mood of writing down my long lost journal pages right now. I’m tired. HAHA! Maybe, I would just scan it. (:*) Well, I hope my penmanship was good enough to be legible. LOL. Everybody knew that I have a poor penmanship. I don’t know why I act this way. When I’m alone, I feel so weird that I even want to climb the peak of the highest mountain and spend the rest of my life there shouting for help. Yes, so weird.

(-_-) I don’t know why. Somehow, I just feel so upset of being the most ironic person in the world. I know, I am really a great pretender. I can hide all the pain. I can show to the world that I am gorgeously happy though inside I’m almost close to death. (T.T) Anyway, Life has its own way on showing you the best things that could ever happen. (-_-) I’m planning to spend a one week vacation at Manila. I just want to pamper and unwind myself. After exams, I got no class for almost a week. Student’s Week, please bear with me! I need rest! AHAHA! (-.-) I’m missing my boiledeggs barkada. My Speech Class was really a great class! I just love to bully my non-sense classmates. Joke! (*.*) For them, it is a Speechless Class! (:*) I think, I have a screwed future. LOL. (‘.’) Frustrations are along the way. Who wants to save me? Marry me! HAHAHA. That is a Major JOKE! I know, no one can change my mind. Only deep love will persuade me to marry. Even a ring can’t stop me from serving a full-time mission. Okay? HAHA! My bed is calling out my name. I should have been sleeping by now. Yesterday, I just got 3 hours of sleep because of my sister Kim. :) So, Goodnight! ILY much everyone. (:*)

Goodbye January. :)

I really don't know why I feel so upset. :( Maybe, at the thought that they will soon be sharing their lives together. T.T Anyway, I have to make things right by this time.. I don't know what lies ahead. Though, for sure it would be full of twists and turns again.. :( I'll be meeting February tomorrow.. It's been a year already!

Anyway, I just got my Patriarchal Blessing. :) Honestly, I feel so special as Patriarch gives his blessing to me. My tears fell down as I heard those lovely revelations. I really had mixed emotions right now. I know in time, I could find him. :) I just have to wait for the right man.. :)

My Mom's Greatest Lesson. :)

Whenever my mother would give us inspiring message in the scripture, she would always quote Alma 37:37. We often laugh at her because she always share it to us. For how many times that when she's reading it, we are already joining her because we had memorized it. During our Family Home Evening, Family Scripture Study, and even at church she never hesitate to share that scripture verse from the Book of Mormon. I often wonder why she keeps on sharing that to us. Yes, we knew already that we have to pray and be thankful in our daily lives, but what touches my heart most was when I finally realize that my mom just want us to never forget that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are always watching over us. Everytime that I'm in the midst of trials and tribulation I never forget to read that scripture verse. I always remember how loving Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are. I need to be thankful with all the blessings that I have. Now, I've grown up and i will always remember how my Mom changed my perspective on praying and being thankful even with the trials and adversaries I have come through.

When filled with tears and words unsaid. :(

Life is too short yet reasonable. For now, you're on the top, in few seconds you'll be at the bottom. We can not tell when will be the last. Seasons change, Hearts also. Time passes by, life ends. For nothing in this world is permanent. For every beginning, there is an end. For in every pain, there is relief. In God's chosen time, everything will took its best place. It is God whom we trust. It is God whom we know the master of everything.

We only have little time to show to our love-ones how much we care for them, so we must do it now. Do not procrastinate the day, because when its too late, you'll just regret after it. "Live life to the fullest", "Live life like its the last". We all know the meaning of this, but we have to ponder and think. What if we only have one more year left? One Month? Neither a day or an hour left? Have we done our best? Or in the other way or another, Have we shown them the love that we feel. Do we have any guilt that we have never told them how much they mean to us?

The words 'Thank You', 'I Love You' seemed to be so common in our days. Sometimes, we even say it got no impact anymore. Let's bring again the vows that we have at that very moment of the past. Let's rejuvenate the power of words and action.

When they can't hear us anymore, when they can't answer back, when we are filled with tears, and the only words left are "Till we meet again". :((

When forgiveness is a must. :)

Last night, we had our institute class. Ofcourse, the pain is still residing in my heart. I still have hatred. :( Our lesson is all about forgiveness. Ow! Sakto! I thought I was so strong to take all the pain. No, I'm not. Sometimes, I want to give up. Nobody realizes how agonizing the reality is. Though, Pres. Barrientos taught us the power of forgiveness. As it was written in the scripture that the Lord will forgive those he will forgive, but for us, we are required to forgive all. :(
What hurts most for me is the thought that they are too insensitive to realize that I was hurt. The most difficult way to forgive others is when they dont know thay they have hurt you. That's the reason why it's too hard for me to forgive him. I know, he thought I'm alright, I'm okay. He doesn't even know that I was hurt. How could I feel so sorry for him, If he doesn't know how to say sorry for me. In other words, I feel so bitter for everything that he does, that they do. Maybe, time will heal this pain. Not now. :( He, They are too insensitive that they don't feel and realize that I've been into so much agony. :(

I know if I'll just let this feeling reign in my heart, I'll never be happy. I'll be bitter all the time not until the pain and hatred had gone.
In time, I could just let this feeling flaunt and take it off. I'll be able to accept the reality and just set things on a higher ground and a better perspective. :)

MY LETTER TO HIM. :)

My Dearest Eternal Love,
I don't know what do I feel right now. What I know for sure is that I am very excited to meet you. Though I don't know who you are, I know in time, In God's perfect and chosen time I can build all my hopes and dreams with you. I am now preparing myself to that lovely and wonderful day that you will hold my hand and together we will face the Altar and will promise to each other that we will love each other until forever is gone. Wherever you are right now, I know God is also preparing you. After all the pains that life has brought me, I know they are just part of life. Only God knows when will be the time that we are both ready to meet each other. Till we meet! :)

With all my Love,
Hannah:)

Book Of Mormon:)

The Book of Mormon tells us different principles that we can use in our daily decisions in life. Through reading it, we will realize that ever story contains lessons and values that we may to apply in our days. There are instances in our life that we are filled with emptiness and loneliness, but through praying to our Heavenly Father and seeking counsels through the Book of Mormon, we'll be able to overcome sorrow. As the Book of Mormon relays stories of our ancient prophets, it is also applicable in our generation that they will be our example in our journey today. Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father loves us so much. He wants us to be with him again. We can communicate with him through reading his words.

Winter Ball: End of Year, Full of Tears:(

Few more hours and I'll welcome 2011 in my arms. Last night, we just had our Winter Ball Activity. Full of joy, Full of twists and turns and full of tears. :( The day before the activity, I just heard the news that RM **** has a girlfriend already. I was filled with emptiness and soberness. It seems like the world turned upside down. Masama talaga ang loob ko, parang kailan lang ako pa ang tinatanong nya. One thing more, why do he need to tell to his friends na he's waiting for me or whatever kind of katorpehan is that. I feel like ako nalang lagi yung dahilan kung bakit hindi nagwowork-out ang mga relationships. :(

Yesterday, I had prepared myself emotionally for the possible scenario that I might encounter.
:( There are times that I feel so paranoid, looking far from the sky. We spent the whole day yesterday decorating the venue and preparing ourselves. The Socials started so well. I got my first dance.. Blah Blah Blah. Everything turns to be fine because they were not around yet. I just got one problem, FOLLOWER. Dance, dance, dance. :) Then, the time has come. All I know, they wouldn't come already. Its getting late. :) Then, a man came and entered the door. I closed my eyes because I know it was him. He's with his girlfriend. They passed infront of me. Well, I thought I can handle the situation. As he introduce his girlfriend to some of our friends, I left my sit and go to Ate Abish. I never noticed that my tears fall down already. I can't help myself but just to cry and release the pain that I have inside of me. I told to Ate Vanessa that I can no longer take the pain. My eyes started to cry again. He's getting married. Ate Vane told me to stop from crying. He might think that I'm affected. Unfortunately, I can do nothing to stop my emotions. I runway from them. He's too insensitive to dance her girlfriend infront of me. What do he expect? I'll just ignore them? Ofcourse, Im in pain. I hurriedly went at the back. Then, I started to cry again.They were asking me what had happened to me? It seems that their world stop for a while and they really cared for me. My kuyas asked me to dance. I was really expecting him to offer me a dance and introduce her girlfriend to me or just clear things out. He just passed by my side. :( :( I cant stop from crying. I bowed my head and then I heard a voice telling me "Tama na yung iyak dyan, sayaw nalang kita." The voice seemed to be very familiar. It was my childhood friend. I felt relieved as he continue to send me jokes and asked me stop from crying. After that dance another friend asked me to dance. He cracked jokes also. But you know what, what made my night good? When follower finally asked me to dance. We had stories to tell, jokes to share. Though, I really refrain myself to attach myself again to him. I know same thing will happen again. :( He really made me happy though. :) I really had lots of reason to be hapopy and enjoy the party but all was ruined because of him. But, before the night ends, I really feel so blessed to those who never leave me and preferred to stay at my side from the time that I've felt I'm alone. :)

Until now, I really can't understand why he never explained, he never told me his plans about us. I really hope that he'll be happy. :) I know someday, I'll realize how lucky I am:)

December Happenings!

Finally, Nakahanap din ako ng time para maglagay ng entry sa BLOG ko. :)
Well, Christmas was good. I just got back from Manila and I really had a great time with my friends and my ATE. :) Though, It was really an Exhausting week. NO Sleep, NO Rest! :) Just Laughs, FUn and Adventures!I'll just post the pictures next time. :)
You know what, few hours before December 25 I got a conversation with ELDER *********. :) Hi's and Hello's. :) He asked me to give him a call, but I refused to. HAHA! BAWAL kaya yun! :) Okay na yung E-MAil! :) I am really happy. :)

I'll just put the other stories on my next entry. I'm out of my mind. SORRY! :)

Childhood Acquaintance; All I know is that you’ll stay forever.

Childhood Acquaintance; All I know is that you’ll stay forever.
-Hannah Grace S. Mesde

I was browsing the internet, looking for some people whom I could get connected on a social site. I noticed this profile that seemed to be so familiar to me, an old childhood churchmate. As I go on with browsing his pictures I ended up adding him on my account. Then, just after some few hours, I received a message from him. “Hello Sis. Hannah, You look so familiar, I think I know you”, he said. After reading the message, I replied “Yes, probably. You and your family lived here before. You seemed to be so familiar to me so I tried to add you on my account.” That’s the start of our conversation. We do send messages to each other reminiscing our old days as primary staying on the same ward. We talked about our mutual friends. After that, we got to be more acquainted again when he asked for my number and so we texted each other. Hi’s and Hello’s, Take Care’s and until words of endearment were included. He asked me if I’m into a relationship, then, I told him “I just moved-on from a heartbreak”. I know he has a girlfriend. He told me about her girlfriend and his plans. He’s preparing himself for his mission. We continuously texted each other. For many times he tried to asked me “What if it will be ‘you and me’?” I know he’s just playing around so I always answer him with jokes. But October 22, 2008 has come. That was the day when he told me, “From now on, You will be my Girlfriend.” I asked him about his girlfriend and he told me “I just broke up with her for you”. I felt flattered but I still have doubts. I told him about my ideal relationship. A relationship with a date, with a real intention, and no games. He told me he could give it to me. I know he is a good man. My parents know him and his family so well. So, I uttered the words, “Okay”. Everything turns out to be so good. We have a good communication though were miles apart. We do online chatting (webcam). He also had a plan to go here and visit his old friends with his family. We both share our stories on what had happened today and what’s the news. Though, we don’t have plans on broadcasting our relationship. He’s preparing for his mission and his Dad told him not to enter into any relationship first and so with my parents because I was just 16 then. Our relationship is doing well until one night, we had a little fight. It was just a childish act, a childish act that resulted to an unexpected scenario. I was expecting him to say sorry or even to resolve the problem that we have. The next morning, I hurriedly read the messages on my cellphone but unfortunately I got no message from him. I texted him, “Goodmorning”, but I got no reply. I thought maybe he got no load or he’s still asleep. The night had come already and still I got no message from him. I checked my Yahoo Account but he’s not on the line. Days and weeks had passed. I still got no explanation. For me, it’s over. What can I do? If he don’t want to text me anymore. I received the news that he got his mission call already. There was a time when we were both online, so I took the chance to send my regards to him. Luckily, he replied. I told him goodluck to his mission. I was expecting him to tell me his reason why after that night, I got no reply, I got no idea on what’s going on, but I failed. It seems that nothing had had happened and I was just an ordinary friend to him. Instead of telling me what had happened, he just ignored me. After saying all my regards, just a simple thank you was his reply. I texted him using my new number but I didn’t introduce myself. I smiled when he replied asking for my name. Then, I replied and introduce myself. After that, I got no reply again. I know he’s ignoring me. I tried to convince myself that I was not hurt. Honestly, at first I don’t feel so hurt, it was fine with me. But now, all the pain resides inside. I still have questions, why? I don’t know. When will it be unfold?

*It’s been two years but I’m still asking myself, “What happened?”. There’s a possibility that his family will be back here. I was asking myself, “What would I feel if they’ll be back here?”. I’m not afraid that the feeling that I have for him before will be back. I am even afraid of “What if he doesn’t know me anymore? How should I react?”. Yes, I know I’m better now. But, ours is an unsettled relationship. I often say, “I feel like I got a Dear Jane letter.” But honestly, what I feel right now is more painful than having a Dear Jane letter. We don’t have any break-ups. That little fight ended all our plans, and caused me a heartbreak and leave lots of question into my mind. Wherever he is right now, I know he is happy. Though I want to send him letters, I am very reluctant because of my fear that he would just ignore it again. I know someday, someone’s going to take your place. You will always be a part of my past. You will always be a part of my growth. I will wait for that day that all of my questions will be answered and you will finally explain to me your reason. How I wish I have all the courage to ask him, “Could you please explain to me, what’s this game all about?”.

Let's knit our heart together. (MUTUAL ACTIVITY)

December 03, 2010

Goodevening, I just got home from a Mutual Activity. I cooked ricebarbeque. J Well, though they don’t love it that much, I appreciate myself for having such effort to do the thing that I hated most before. Mami Ped told me, “Don’t be in a hurry. You’re too young. You know the risk if you make things in a hurry? There would be a possibility that you will deprive yourself from such great and better opportunities. Just think of this, what if that right man is about to come? But you are committed already to someone else? Though you like him and vice versa, how could it be?” Hmm. Yes, I know I should not be in a hurry. I still have plans, I will go on a mission, I will finish my studies and then I will settle a very happy family with the best man that I will ever had in my life. <3>

I will hold your hand until eternity. :)

August, It was months ago since I had that dream.I could still remember exactly how the scenario was executed. A missionary, He was about 6 feet tall, had some features of a Samoan nor a New Zealander. He was with his companion. They were both sitting on the overflow of the CES Building when I passed by the aisle and he said, "When I got home, I'll be back and I'll marry you". his face was not so clear but I know that he's not our missionary. Maybe he's from the other ward of our stake or whatever. On the other hand was this newly returned missionary from our stake. His bishop keeps on telling me that this RM wants to marry me and told me, "Just give him a chance". I know him very well on my dream, and I know his Bishop too. But, I was very reluctant. I don't know what choice did I make. One thing that i could remember is that when they were trying to talked to me, I runaway.

After having this dream, I shared this to some of my closest friends. I was really waiting for that Missionary whom I know he's the one that I prefer most. A month after, I saw this man, who looks like the man or the missionary on my dream. Not exactly, but so close to reality. The same feeling that I have on that dream rejuvenated. The night after I saw him, I had a dream again. I was walking alone the seashore and there was this Missionary and a Former Friend. My former friend said to him, "She's yours now, Take a good care of her. I love her, but I wasn't able to show her. So, Love her". That Missionary hold my hand so tight. We walked facing the sun, and the shore behind us. Green grasses, Tall Trees, and a very peaceful place. It's not Philippines. I know It's not. He hold my hand even tighter and whispered to me, "I will hold your hand until eternity". The feeling was really a perfect bliss!

*I cant ignore that dream, I know someone is prepared for me. Maybe, I have signs of who is he. :) I am now preparing myself to meet him. In God's perfect time. :)

HeartBreaking News! MOVE-ON! :)

D'you know what's the Worst News all about? It's all about Ate Abish' Former Lover. HAHA. But actually, I shouldn't be using that expression HAHA. This is really a heartbreaking Entry for all who could relate their story with this. :) Just right after Ate Abish stepped down from the Tricycle, the first reaction that she had was a terrifying face. This is our Conversation.
Ate Abish: 'Gonna tell you something! Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ka ba o malulungkot.'
ME: Ano yun ate?
Ate Abish: Mamaya nalang.
ME: Now na ate! Ano yun? Ikakasal ka na?
Ate Abish: HUHU!
ME: Hmmm.. :)
Ate Abish: Engaged na si BARRACK! BRR!

Nagulat ako at hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba dapat ang reaction ko. I know within Ate Abish' heart she's upset and she wanted to cry though she's wearing a smile. I tried to divert the conversation to other stories but I failed to. At the ERC, I hurriedly ran to the Computer and turned it on.

Ate Abish: HUHUHU! Bakit siya?
ME: Ate, member ba?
Ate Abish: Malamang, Ewan ko. Parang Hawaiiana.
ME: Halla, pano mo nalaman? Ano bang nangyari?
AteAbish: nakita ko sa Flicker mga photos.
ME: hhmmm.. San te? Gusto kong makita? (ng makilatis) HAHA!
Ate Abish: Wag na Hannah! Magugulat ka lang!
ME: Bakit?
Ate Abish: Nakakastressed!
ME: Tara na lang MCDO! kain tayo muna. Dun na tayo magEMOTE! nasstress ako!

You know what? i think the weather was also with us. The rain pours hard! Then, at the Mcdonalds we talked about what really had happened and opened our minds and mouths to come up with the realization that EX are all NOTHING! BITTERNESS nga ba ito? Oo nga siguro. Pero naiinis lang talaga ako.

We then realized what was the real reason why Barrack acts that way. I therefore conclude, he's not worth of ATE ABISH!

Ate Abish: Alam mo yung feeling ng... Ganito pala yun. Engaged na siya!
ME: Awch, te hindi ko talaga mafeel kasi di ko pa natry. Isa lang naman ibig sabihin nyan.
Ate Abish: Ano? Move-On!
ME: meron pa. sabi nga Birds with the same feathers are the same BIRDS! HAHAHA!

Dahil kami ay talagang stressed na! KUMAIN nalang ang REMEDY! :)
Napaorder tuloy ulit ako!

ME: Ate, Sundae pa saka Fries.
Ate ABish: Ikaw nalang.
ME: Ayaw mo na te?
Ate Abish: Busog na ako. Order ka na ah.
ME: Hay! Nasstressed talaga ako te dahil sa balita mo.
Ate Abish: Abah! mas stressed ka pa kaysa sa akin.
ME: eh pano naman kasi, nagulat ako. parang last week lang nakakausap ko siya at tumatawag sa phone. tapos ngayon engaed na! Feeling! HAHAHAHA.
Ate Abish: (Natawa nalang, pero sa totoo lang halatang nasasaktan)

pagkatapos ng kwentuhan, bumalik na kami sa ERC:)

Asusual, kwentuhan pa din. :))
Siya padin ang nasa usapan.
Para sa akin, Masama ang loob ko sa mga taong katulad ni Barrack. Napapaisip tuloy ako. Sigurado pag umuwi si E.BJL at sinabing ENGAGED na din siya, ABAh, Bonggang Bonggang PARANOID ako nun!

Bakit ba may mga tao pa kasing nilikha para magpumiling.
Pagkatapos ng pag-eemote, kailangan ko ng magprepare. I'll be working with the missionaries at 2:00. Ate Abish was very reluctant and she even tried to stop me and just be with her. But unfortunately, I left her with Sis. Garma at the ERC.

Just after I got back, she told me. 'HUHUHUHU! PACS!'
Then, I told her, Okay lang yan ate! Go lang! Blooming ka yata!
She then told me, 'Abah kailangan kong maging BLOOMING!
Sa isip isip ko, TAMA LANG NAMAN YUN! kaysa maging Gloomy! :)

To Ate Abish:
Okay lang yan ate. Now, we'll end to the thought that Golds are not meant for Graphites. Remeber, May goal tayo. If they dont Fit, try the other one. Kaya nga may ALPHABET eh. May Plan A- Z!

Cheer Up my PACS! We're on our way BACK to our FATHER ABOVE! :)

REVELATIONS and BLAST! :)

The past few weeks were really filled with new revelations and emotions spilled. Last week, November 17, 2010; we conducted again CAREER WORKSHOP with the going home missionaries. Nothing major had happened. It was cool but not as cool as before. J Anyway, I really got lots of issues and news on what’s happening on me right now. Remember E.M? I don’t know his thought on doing things like saying ‘Hi Ate’ even when I’m meters away. Also for the last two nights, E.S calls and talks with me for about an hour or two. I don’t know why. Last Monday, we had our Lunch at McDonalds, and guess who’s there? E.M. Ofcourse some ‘Hi’s and Handshakes’. Ate Abish told me that he’s staring at me even when he’s talking with her. He was trying to catch my attention. Ano na ba talaga ang nangyayari sa akin? Paranoid na din ako. Feeling ko pag magriring ang Cellphone ko, si E.S ang tatawag. HAHAHA! Anyway, I and Ate Abish just had the worst news ever a while back. But I’m going to elaborate it on my next entry. L It’s something like BITTERNESS! HATRED! And EVERYTHING! P.S, Still I got no updates with FOLLOWER! Hey, Ask me OUT! HAHAHA!